The Burning of Relationship Bridges
When it most happens, what's behind it, the potential costs and benefits and what, at least sometimes, might be a better approach
“The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.”
David Russell
We’re often warned not to do it: emotionally giving into our feelings and ending relationships “badly.” The inference is that there likely will be or could eventually be high discomfort or pain in our future if we do. That advice, however, while well meaning and maybe wise, is not an absolute for all of life’s situations.
What is emotionally, psychologically and situationally behind people though deciding to “burn bridges” — and what are the potential unwanted costs and risks, the benefits that can from it and better ways, at least sometimes, of responding?
This is a Communication Intelligence discussion.
People can come to the point of wanting to aggressively end further possible positive feelings and interactions. Or ending a pattern of negativity and harm. What leads to that breaking point and behavior may be understandable yet it may also be something more complex and puzzling.
“When people make the decision to burn bridges, chances are they have ruminated over the decision for a very long time and have harbored underlying feelings of rejection, resentment, pain, disrespect, etc. — but every situation will be different and handled based on the individual’s mindset and experiences,” says Kwan Patton, a licensed mental health therapist.
Heated emotions certainly play a role and drive action that may or may not best serve the person whose decision-making ending the relationship, professional or personal in nature.
“People usually burn bridges when emotions are high. This could result in rash decisions based on anger or persistent frustration,” explains and warns Michelle Dees, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist at Luxury Psychiatry Clinic.
“For some people, a total inability to manage excessive emotions constructively, deal with conflict, or simply apathy towards it, seems to be the reason behind such actions.”
There can be reasonableness for that feeling of excessive emotional weight often experienced in the most tense of interactions and relationships.
“Given that a burning bridge could stem from places such as an abusive workplace, a problematic relationship or any kind of unresolved rage, suggests that it is more complex than mere anger,” Dees says.
Psychology and habits play a role in how interactions develop and may seem — or become in reality — extreme and intentionally harsh within a heightening conflict.
“There is a possibility that extreme and calculated bridge burning can shine a light on the existence of some toxic traits like high levels of aggression, depression or stress to the point of hurting somebody,” Dees suggests.
“For the victim, it could signal some underlying issues such as problems controlling one's emotions, issues in communicating with someone and constantly ignoring personal or work-related issues for so long until it drives them to anger.”
This could indicate, she adds, “a stem of helplessness, when faced with overwhelming conditions where all other alternatives have failed.”
“Ghosting” as a behavior, Patton says, doesn’t necessarily always happen out of randomness.
“More than likely if you are in a safe space with someone, chances are you will not burn bridges but if there was a situation involved that was hurtful and disloyal, the person may feel the need to just walk away; this can also be based on how they believe the other person will respond,” she points out.
Going deeper, Patton elaborates on what can trigger the ending of different types of interactions or relationships.
“Accountability is huge for people who choose to just walk away because if the other individual does not take responsibility, it can feel like a lost cause,” she says. “If it’s intentional, the person might want to send a message or match the energy of the person who hurt them.
“Conversely, it could be the person’s way of making a desperate plea or a silent cry for help that they really want to repair the relationship and is looking for a response from the other person.”
It’s important to consider that unwanted costs may result from a sudden severing of human connection.
“The repercussions of burning bridges can reach far and wide,” Dees says, “applying damage to reputations and good relationships in the personal and professional spheres. Such actions have a high chance of blocking future collaborative opportunities, thereby leaving the person cut off from career growth.”
When interactions or relationships end with such coldness, the way back, if ever desired for any reason, becomes arduous or worse.
“Rebuilding the broken ties in the future is nearly impossible and can become regretful for the person raising their temper in the moment of crisis,” Dees says as a reminder.
There are additional significant concerns to consider, according to Patton.
“Potential or unwanted cost can be feelings of depression, regret and sometimes resentment for how everything played out,” she expresses.
There are outcomes that can experienced as respectable and beneficial.
“We’ve all heard the saying, ‘I can show you better than I can tell you,’ and in a situation such as this one, burning a bridge can be someone’s way of disassociating from someone that doesn’t hear them or does not respect them,” Patton says.
“Burning a bridge,” she adds, “can just be a way of letting go of situations that are just not healthy anymore.”
“Stop telling me not to burn bridges. Some bridges are meant to be burned; some roads are never meant to be traveled again.”
Steve Maraboli
“Astonishingly,” Dees states, “completely severing ties in private and professional relationships can lead to an entire overhaul of self on a personal level, needing space to process and self-reflect. Burning bridges can also aid in getting away from negative or toxic places that are against personal values and health.”
People might be able to bring themselves to do what they have long needed to do for their mental health and better lives.
“For some individuals, strenuous situations can delegate self-respect at the forefront, with tough, self-set boundaries when self-destructive solutions seem to be the only answer,” Dees says.
So, it’s encouraging to know or maybe learn that there are benefits to ending professional and personal relationships, whether that is abruptly and fully or as more measured, decision-making over time.
Yet there are also smarter, tolerable and more effective ways to respond in communication — or other behavior - instead of severing relationships oftentimes.
“Not all conflicts require burning bridges,” Dees says.
“Sometimes proactive action, accompanied by compassion, can allow for airing issues whilst still fostering the relationship. Boundary setting is yet another effective strategy that revolves around communication of needs, simultaneously protecting oneself without self-inflicting harm.”
When that feels to be too big of an “ask” or a task to commit to doing, assistance could be the difference maker.
“When emotions are at their highest point, looking for professional guidance, such as therapy, creates new lenses and tools to make the situation more bearable,” Dees recommends.
Patton agrees about engaging in quality communication being the way to avoid not burning bridges that we may come to regret or rue.
“Communication is always the best way to remedy a problem and how it’s presented can play a factor in how the conversation goes,” she teaches.
“It is so important for people to feel heard, seen and acknowledged in whatever capacity the relationship is built on.”
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