'I Was Too Hostile, Too Direct'

The blind spot and error of destructive workplace communication

Ndamukong Suh (Image credit: Alika Jenner/Getty Images)

In a moment, we can communicate too strong and rough, not realizing the negative or destructive impact being created instead of the inspiring, motivating one we intend.

Ndamukong Suh, an accomplished former professional football player, recently recalled to Jayson Jenks in The Athletic, a moment in his career where he admits he went too far, didn’t see it immediately or afterward but was corrected by multiple people involved in the exchange.

“I was too hostile, too direct,” he said.

And his co-workers didn’t like it.

“After that meeting, a lot of teammates gave me feedback. I caught a lot of flak,” Suh confessed.

He did, however, receive a life-long gift from someone in a different department.

“Kaleb Thornhill, our director of player engagement, pulled me into his office,” Suh said. “He told me: ‘I get what you were trying to get across there but half that room couldn’t comprehend what you were saying, let alone digest it because of the way you went about it.’”

It was sobering and piercing.

“What he taught me that day is a lesson I still utilize today: The importance of emotional intelligence,” Suh said. “Kaleb taught me that your delivery and how you approach people are key. Usually, when you turn somebody off, they don’t even listen to the words you want them to hear because you’ve turned them off.

“That’s what I did in that meeting. I think what I said needed to be said but my delivery was incorrect. I needed to say it in the right way.”

He elaborated that the same content is delivered with different outcomes, “One that you could engage with and one where I would make you shut down.”

Have you ever been less than your best self or “failed” in the tense or angry interaction like Suh?

I have, professionally and personally and my interpretation and recollection of the worst of those moments still causes me to wince. And, probably like you, I’ve been on the receiving end where people communicated, verbally and otherwise, in a way that was, “too hostile.”

I don’t remember those exchanges or people positively or respectfully just like people likely viewed me when I went way out of bounds.

To Suh’s credit, the lesson and gift he was given from Thornhill resonated deeply with him and not just in a professional context.

“My focus on emotional intelligence has been an ongoing evolution that continues to serve me well,” he told Jenks. “I make a conscious effort to integrate its principles into every facet of my life: in the business world, in my media work like podcasting and most importantly, at home with my marriage and children.”

When we’re frustrated and not believing that people are fully grasping the significance of the problem (or problems) and the moment, we can communicate in error, as Suh admits he did. We can come across as aggressive, hyper-aggressive or hostile.

That type of behavior however isn’t respected and doesn’t create the ideal environment for trust and the highest level of positive reaction and response.

Certain situations are emergencies yet most aren’t that at all. Assertiveness respects the people and communicates strongly. Aggressiveness through and over people comes at a cost we often can’t comprehend, whether we learn of it or not.

“Be soft on the people and hard on the problem” is a statement from decades ago regarding conflict and negotiation that may not be an absolute approach for all situations but it is one that will solve more problems in more instances than we often believe.

It additionally prevents us from being “too hostile, too direct” and damaging trust, relationships and reputation.

Communication Intelligence began as online magazine (2021-2024) on another platform and during that time, also became a free-or-paid newsletter on Substack. The C.I. brand additionally offers individuals and organizations a variety of services, from written communications as well as communication consulting and coaching.

The newsletter is written by a former newspaper reporter, magazine writer, talk show host and communications consultant and advisor.