Better Prepared to Communicate Through Disagreement
Certain words and phrases may better equipped you to succeed
For some people, disagreement is not a daunting task to address. For others, it’s a painful reality to trudge through, repel or avoid. That’s normal. It’s also not ideal.
“Most people struggle with disagreement,” says Dora Vanourek, a coach for leadership development and burnout prevention for tech professionals, who helps individuals and organizations build healthier, more productive workplaces.
“They're afraid it will damage relationships,” she wrote at LinkedIn, quickly adding that, “top performers handle it differently.”
How, though? “They use phrases that build trust, not tension,” Vanourek stated.
She provided recommended phrases in her post on the above-mentioned platform, suggesting readers, “ Save these for your next conversation.”
“Help me understand how you reached that conclusion.”
↳ Before challenging an idea
↳ Builds psychological safety
If the tone of voice used is sincerely curious, the facial expressions and body language are positive and the person communicating this phrase is genuinely open to patiently listening to a concise, yet clear responses to learn about the thinking involved, this phrase can, as Vanourek asserts, build psychological safety and possibly unearth value.
It’s additionally a show of respect and professional courtesy to ask this question and then provide people space by quietly, attentively listening. It’s a relationship builder.
”I see things differently. Here's why…”
↳ To share an alternative
↳ Offers a direct, thoughtful perspective
Tone matters with this one too. If this phrase comes across in a respectful way and not dismissive of what the other person communicated, the people to whom you are communicating is more likely to not be hurt or offended as they listen (or read) to your viewpoints.
Maybe adding, “I’d like to hear what you have to say about it when I’m done” after “I see things differently and here’s why” could result in unexpected value developing or emerging.
”I take a different approach.”
↳ After hearing their perspective
↳ Shows you've explored alternatives
What do you think about this one? Personally, I’m unsure and not sure how it would land with someone else. I have no resistance to it yet it’s not likely one I would use. What about you: does it ring positively? What do you like about it and what’s the upside for it within a conversation with someone in a disagreement?
“Let's explore the data together.”
↳ When opinions are clashing
↳ Shifts the focus from emotion to facts
Be careful. Focusing on facts greatly matters yet human beings are emotionally wired and this phrase could trigger a relationship-damaging divide.
It wisely says, “Let’s explore… together” which if done in a manner sensitive to the other person’s emotions, can be positively received. I might consider adding, “Let’s explore the data together if that sounds reasonable” or “May we examine the data together to learn more?” Using it in arrogance as a “gotcha” approach may backfire.
It’s a taste thing, personal preference. How do you feel about this one?
”I agree with [point X], and I'd add...”
↳ When there’s partial alignment
↳ Shows you're actively listening
This seems like it could be, in the majority of situations, helpful. Why?
Because, as Vanourek says, you already are agreeing on something, which is good for the emotional-psychological interaction with another human being and you proved that you listened to what they have communicated.
However, don’t quickly gloss over what you agree with or it will be judged as disingenuous.
There’s one more point. This has been stated often by other people: using “and” instead of “but” allows other people’s brains to not feel rejected, resisted or dismissed. That’s vitally, maybe critically, important, in most disagreements.
“But” is going to get you into more difficulty and trouble than “and” will.
It’s important, again, to remember a genuinely respectful, positive tone of voice will help you in communications than one that isn’t that way.
“Let's pause. What's our shared goal?”
↳ When tension starts to rise
↳ Re-centers the conversation on common ground
Communicated with respect and not annoyance or condescension, this may be helpful to, as Vanourek wrote, aid in focusing on the “common ground” and mission.
”You might be right about [X]. My concern is...”
↳ To validate without fully agreeing
↳ Keeps the focus on the issue, not the person
This gives credit to what is deemed correct, which is yes, validating. It has to be done a certain way, which is not rushing over what may be agreed about or diminishing it to the extent that the other person only focuses on our stated “concern.”
“Strong relationships don't require constant agreement,” Vanourek wrote. “They grow when we learn how to disagree with care and respect.”
Disagreement is going to happen even in good relationships, professionally and personally. We won’t always agree and we don’t have to do so.
What’s important is how we operate within moments of differences. Communicating with a smarter approach and increases the probability of better outcomes is possible and normally, preferable.
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