'You Aren’t Helping. I Know You Think You Are But You Aren’t."
We often aren't doing what is wanted or beneficial
Whether arrogance or good intentions, sometimes advisory or attempts to help are not received positively.
“You aren’t helping. I know you think you are, but you aren’t.”
That quote is one that is likely thought much more often than it is spoken so it’s important to talk about. How about here and now?
This article poses three questions to sources to learn why people are not helping in a way that is appreciated, what they don’t fully understand about their efforts and what, politely stated, they could do instead.
Why then are people not making positive impressions?
“This sense that the person isn’t helping can often be the result of a mismatch between what the helper is offering or doing and what the recipient needs or expects,” says Sarah Jeffries, MSc, a mental health first aid trainer. “The helper might be offering solutions or support based on their own model of what people need or suggestions about how to fix the problem.”
“Jumping in with unsolicited opinions, advice or any type of support based on what would have worked for you or how you wish someone had helped you, often misses the mark,” says Lara Augusta, a human development specialist, life coach and leadership coach at Embracing Potentiality. “This approach can inadvertently ignore the unique needs and preferences of the person you're trying to assist.”
“The person has a different need than what you're trying to meet,” says Chris Wong, a licensed therapist and certified executive coach at Leadership Potential.
“For example, they just want to vent and feel heard but you are focused on problem solving and not truly listening.”
“You're not helping because motivation is internal; you can't motivate another person to do something they don't believe in,” says Loretta Graziano Breuning, PhD, the founder of the Inner Mammal Institute — which helps people build their power over their mammalian brain chemistry — and a Professor Emerita of Management at California State University, East Bay. She is also the author of personal development books.
“When someone is trying to help and falling short, there is often a need or outcome that is not being met,” says Kimberly Best, a mediator, arbitrator and the owner of Best Conflict Solutions. “In my work, usually that need has not been expressed in a way that is clear enough.
“Often, one party is so busy trying to convince the other party of their position, they aren’t listening well. What is required is a genuine curiosity, without judgement, of what the person does need. It serves both the giver and the receiver well, to get it right.”
As for what people who are offering something yet aren’t understanding in the process, the experts explain:
“That person might struggle to understand the nature of the problem, the feelings involved, and-or what it might take to help,” Jeffries says. “A misunderstanding could be the result of small differences in perspective, communication breakdowns or incomplete knowledge about the problem or issue.
“It could also be a result of needing — and inadvertently imposing — their own goals, reactions or solutions on the situation without truly listening to or understanding what the other person was saying or trying to say.”
The interaction could also very well be moving too fast.
“The person is not understanding how they need to slow down the conversation and focus on listening and trying to understand what the other person needs or wants,” Wong says.
Biological chemicals are in play too.
“Dopamine motivates us when we anticipate a reward,” Breuning says. “Each brain anticipates rewards with neural pathways built from their own past experience. If your help doesn't mesh with their brain's view of rewards, (the other person) will not be motivated.”
Assumptions before giving might be inaccurate.
“They may not understand that the person doesn’t actually want help, they may want to be heard and validated,” Best points out. “In mediation and conflict management there are some powerful listening tools of reframing, paraphrasing and validating. The surprising truth is, when we feel heard, understood and validated, very often we don’t need more help. We can then find our own solutions.”
So there is a better way to communicate and extend oneself to others.
“‘I'm sorry, you're right. Tell me more about what you need,’” Wong recommends as a response to people who communicate to you that you are not helping in a manner that resonates positively for them.
“Instead of making assumptions or projecting your own experiences onto others,” Augusta advises, “take a moment to ask, ‘How can I support you best right now? What do you need most at this moment?’
“By doing so, you acknowledge and validate their experience, making it clear you're available to assist in the way they find most beneficial. This approach fosters a more meaningful connection and ensures the support you offer is genuinely helpful.”
“You can model the behavior you are hoping to see in the other person,” suggests Breuning. “If you want them to get excited about a particular reward, show in your behavior why you are excited about it.”
Clarify why someone in apparent need or clear need is communicating their stress.
“A question I like to start with is, ‘Are you telling me this to vent, or do you want me to help resolve the problem,’” Best says. “In the event that someone wants help, listen, listen, listen. Ask questions. Clarify. Check to make sure you hear what they are asking for.
“It’s a process, both figuring out what we need, asking for it and hearing it, so be patient. Make sure your own agenda is not in the way.”
Be open to being told to ease up and resist your urges.
“A more useful approach might be to encourage the helper to take a step back and listen more carefully and empathically to the person with whom they’re trying to be helpful,” Jeffries advises.
“Questions such as ‘How could I be helpful to you in a way that would be truly useful for you?’ or ‘What do you imagine you need most from me right now?’ could provide a bridge toward this kind of deeper understanding.
“Sometimes simply being present or listening or being there with emotional support, without trying to fix your problem can be experienced as helpful when explicitly requested.
“When the person asking for help has explicitly asked for advice or practical help, then the helper should strive to provide it in a way that aligns with the needs and wishes of the individual and be prepared to shift approach in light of any feedback provided.”
Communication Intelligence, the Newsletter is an accompanying publication of Communication Intelligence magazine.
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