Working Through Misunderstandings
What to do first, how to lessen damage and how to most likely succeed
Misunderstandings are costly within interactions as well as relationships in different contexts, industries, professions and relationships. It’s therefore important to gain better understanding and learn how to skillfully traverse these moments.
When a misunderstanding is evolving or has clearly revealed itself, an intelligent response is called for and helpful.
“Own your part and don't point out their part,” says Lynn Zakeri (pictured), a therapist at Lynn Zakeri LCSW Clinical Services.
“The first response is to use ‘I’ statements. ‘OMG (Oh my God), I totally heard this as X! I am sorry! I would have responded (in a certain way) but I misunderstood.’ Do not point out what they might have done to communicate better at this point and depending on the situation, possibly ever.”
Moving past the tension to a particular mindset and specific approach can deescalate powerful negative emotions and unlock learning to move forward.
“The most intelligent first response to a misunderstanding for everyone involved, is curiosity,” says Sara Lobkovich, a strategy executive and career fulfillment coach at Red Currant Collective, where she helps clients tackle transformational change.
“As soon as you detect or suspect a misunderstanding, get curious. Curiosity is a natural antidote to so many things that challenge our relationships.”
It’s a practice, she teaches, that helps a person or group exercise agency within a risky and stressful interaction.
“While you don’t control your conversation partners’ reactions, responding with curiosity provides them a chance to dial down any defensiveness that’s entered the dynamic,” Lobkovich says.
She elaborates how it works in practicality.
“If you can manage to take a deep breath and get curious instead of reacting to the misunderstanding, that invites your conversation partner to do the same,” Lobkovich illuminates.
“Whether they accept that invitation into productive curiosity or not, you put yourself in a better place because if they escalate in reaction or defensiveness, you can maintain your curious posture, which increases the likelihood that however the conversation resolves itself, you’ll be able to leave it with a calm and well regulated nervous system.”
Mitigating emotional damage is a wise and beneficial task one can decide to pursue.
“Once you own your part,” Zakeri reiterates, “then offer solutions that might amend the miscommunication. Give options. Apologize for your actions and explain your previous understanding, not as an excuse, but to give more clarity to what in the world you were thinking. And then — and this is most important — begin the process of repair.”
She describes what that looks like.
“Repair involves an action plan, first verbally but then, much more importantly, followed by tangible action,” Zakeri says.
Working towards identifying what is agreed upon is a useful strategy checkpoint.
“It’s common for our feelings to take over,” Lobkovich stays. “Focusing on facts gives us a chance to reduce the role of feelings, especially during a misunderstanding. Two people might realize that they actually share the same facts and there was some nuance of communication that led to the misunderstanding.”
Working backwards can provide needed insight and lead to learning and improvement for future communication.
“Again, we can lean into curiosity here: where did our miscommunication begin and how might we avoid falling into that trap in the future?” Lobkovich advises asking.
A successful response is possible in the vast majority of situations. You can raise the probability of success with certain knowledge and action.
“Take the thinking out of it for the other person,” Zakeri says.
She explains what that means.
“Provide options and ask questions on what they feel comfortable with in terms of moving forward,” Zakeri says.
She adds what else is smart to do.
“Apologize. Yes, say ‘I am sorry’ without ‘buts.’ Own your mistakes and explain them but only for understanding, not for your own sake,” Zakeri recommends. “The first part of this is taking care of the person you misunderstood. Then you can ask for understanding (for yourself) as part 2.”
There are other points for success.
“I think one of the biggest factors is emotional regulation, including skill at supporting your conversation partner’s ability to regulate themselves, or at least, (you) avoiding escalating dysregulation, if it occurs,” Lobkovich says.
“We don’t think as clearly when we’re upset which means we’re playing the conflict without our full toolkit. If you need to take a break to calm yourself or give your conversation partner a chance to regulate, that sets you up for greater success.”
“What really boosts the odds of success?” asks Peter Murphy Lewis, the founder and CEO at Strategic Pete, where he helps businesses grow, build their brands and fix communication breakdowns. “Two things: vulnerability and trust.”
He talks about what he feels is a requirement to prove expertly effective.
“If both parties are willing to drop their defenses just a bit and say, ‘Look, this is how I felt,’ it shifts the conversation from blame to resolution. I’ve seen too many situations where pride gets in the way of a quick fix,” Lewis says.
“When you focus on the solution instead of being right, you not only resolve the current issue but you strengthen the relationship for the long run.
“Trust becomes the safety net that allows these misunderstandings to happen and be handled with care, instead of creating permanent damage.”
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