When You Don't Feel Confident or Worse, are Intimidated Around Others
Talking about what is happening and how to see the situation more clearly and respond for more peace and success
Insecurity in the presence of certain people can lead to feeling unsure how to act around them or worse, being timid. This belief can create analysis-paralysis or a decision to shrink one’s personality and be small in the moment.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
“What I discovered is being in a kind of position of intimidation with a colleague is not a sustainable place,” said Jesse Eisenberg, an actor, writer and filmmaker.
“I think (actress) Julianne Moore is more talented than me. I think she's a better actor than I'll ever be,” Eisenberg said. “I think she's smarter about stories than me, but those thoughts were not very helpful.
“The helpful thoughts were, oh, I have a really funny idea for this scene and this character that she's playing, and I'm going to tell her what those are now. That's like so much more effective...”
There are problems we create when we needlessly feel we don’t have a meaningful place in professionally interacting with others. The good news: there are ways to adjust how we are thinking to be more comfortable and confident in those situations.
“I think the first thing we have to stop doing is telling ourselves a story that we’re somehow not good enough to be in the room,” says Victoria Jabara, a DEI Consultant at BOK Financial.
“It’s easy to fall into that comparison trap when someone’s skills or experience feel ahead of ours but the second we start thinking in terms of ‘less than,’ we disconnect from our own value and that doesn’t serve us, our team or the work.”
How we’re seeing ourselves can be extremely costly to what needs to be done, in addition damaging ourselves — emotionally, psychologically, job wise and career wise.
“We’ve got to stop acting like there’s a hidden scoreboard where we’re always coming up short,” says L’Taundra Everhart, a national wellness and education specialist and the founder at BYG! Mixed Greens For The Soul. “The second we start mentally comparing résumés, accolades or charisma, we fall into a trap.
“We either shrink and make ourselves invisible or we go overboard trying to prove we belong by oversharing or name-dropping. Both approaches are exhausting and inauthentic.”
Reframing, as in reprogramming how we view people and situations, is a smart move.
“We also have to stop assuming that just because someone operates at a high level, they’re not still learning too,” Jabara asserts. “Everyone brings something unique to the table.
“When we lead with insecurity, we hold back. But when we show up curious, open and grounded in what we do bring, collaboration gets a lot more productive and a lot more human.”
“In my work, I see people disconnect from the moment because they’ve convinced themselves they’re not enough,” Everhart says.
“They get caught in negative thought loops, second-guessing their worth or silently comparing themselves and they miss the actual opportunity in front of them.”
There is a better frame of mind in which to be and carry oneself.
“When someone is truly operating at a high level, their presence alone can be a kind of masterclass but if we’re too wrapped up in our own insecurities, we miss the chance to learn, grow or genuinely connect.”
Learning and adopting a better approach is simple in theory, yet in practice, it can remain a overwhelming challenge.
“Start by tossing the idea that this person is above you,” Everhart advises.
“They’re not a superior being. They’re just someone who’s tackled challenges you haven’t faced yet. Maybe they’ve had more time, more resources or a different path. That’s not a hierarchy. That’s a difference in timeline and exposure.”
There is attractive opportunity within what feels confusing or dangerous.
“Reframing starts with recognizing that excellence isn’t a threat. It can be an invitation,” Jabara teaches. “If someone is great at what they do, that doesn’t diminish your strengths; it simply adds to the possibilities of what you can build together.
“I try to approach those moments by asking, ‘What can I learn from this person?’ and also, ‘What strengths do I bring that they may not have?’”
“The smarter reframe is to ask yourself what unique value you bring to this moment,” Everhart recommends. “You might offer fresh perspective, lived experience or even beginner’s insight that helps them see something they’ve missed.
“Powerful collaborations happen when both people see themselves as contributors, not competitors. Your excellence doesn’t require you to be small. When you bring your full, authentic self to the table, not a muted or performative version, you create space for richer dialogue.”
What it’s About
“Confidence doesn’t have to mean having all the answers,” Jabara says as a reminder. “It’s about showing up with clarity about your contribution and a willingness to grow alongside others.
“When you shift from comparison to curiosity and from intimidation to mutual respect, that’s when collaboration really clicks. It also makes the work more meaningful.”
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So many of us have been taught to shrink ourselves in the presence of excellence, instead of leaning in with curiosity. Loved the reminder, Michael.
Happy Saturday!