When Important Messaging Isn't Getting Through to People
It may not always be what we believe is happening
We aren’t communicating clearly, regardless of what we assume (“know”), when others aren’t fully understanding what we’re communicating. Rest assured, the same can go for people are communicating with us.
What’s interesting is that we know how unclear other people can be when they aren’t expressing themselves well. We just don’t think that we too can struggle in the minds of other people. When that happens we can get frustrated or angry. Most people can connect the dots. The onus is on us to help them.
I’ve had both intelligent family members and close friends be overconfident that they are communicating well, yet leaving out what is necessary for clarity. It was baffling to them that someone listening closely wasn’t understanding them. So they point fingers.
I’ve witnessed this as well in business, the workplace, families, friendships, romantic relationships, in social situations and online. It’s a common problem.
No one thinks that their communication is the issue. It’s always, in their mind, the other person. That’s not usually the reason.
Why do I bring this up? Because of 1) the importance of assisting others in creating clarity and 2) something I just read that reminded me of this challenge.
“You’re smart, capable and experienced and you’re not exactly new to this: so why does it still feel like people sometimes miss the point? Or misinterpret your message? Or not take action when it’s crystal clear what they’re meant to do?” rhetorically asked Lesley Worthington, a communication and leadership coach who also writes and publishes on Substack.
“This is such a common experience (I know that’s small consolation…sigh). It’s so frustrating. It’s not like you're being unclear on purpose. You really do genuinely think you’re being as clear as you can possibly be. What’s going on?”
I know people have asked themselves that same question when interacting with “thick-headed” me. There have also been times I’ve had people angry with me later because they assumed and were convinced they communicated fully and clearly something that they didn’t earlier express.
“Communication is a tricky thing,” Worthington wrote. “We take a lot for granted and a lot of our communication is on autopilot.”
There it is: we falsely assume, and other people falsely assume, that clarity always develops in an exchange. We’ve all lived enough life to know that’s just not true.
“Most of us are not as clear as we think we are,” Worthington pointed out.
“Clear communication isn’t about what’s in your head,” she added. “It’s about how well it lands on the other side. And often we don’t take the time to consider that. But that’s where things break down.”
Loud Boom!
Now, of course, this doesn’t mean that if someone doesn’t want to understand that it’s on you or me, yet those situations are not the norm or what this article is discussing. Those people do exist and they are actors and actresses. Not good ones. This article is about reasonable people with whom we interact and they or we miss the mark.
“Communication is not about saying what you want to say. That would be easier, wouldn’t it?” Worthington stated. “But no, it’s not about that, it’s about saying what you need the other person to hear in order for them to understand what you want them to understand.”
That’s what we don’t know or forget when communicating and what others don’t know or forget when communicating.
Instead, people get frustrated, annoyed or angry. That’s not as much on the other person as it is a matter of, “What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.”
Think what stands between us and clarity or them and clarity. Communicate this with poise and maybe greater, helpful understanding will present evolve in exchanges.
Communication Intelligence Extra is a section for paying subscribers.
