When a Compliment Doesn't Feel Like One
Whether intended or not, our excitement can be communicated negatively
People can believe they are celebrating someone, supporting them yet for reasons, real and perceived, the recipient of that communication doesn’t end up feeling special and happy about what they hear.
Case in point, there is a short video clip where an actress, Cobie Smulders, recalls performing in a production of Singing in the Rain as a high school senior, being nervous and maybe enduring a little imposter syndrome, performing through it, feeling she accomplished something significant, doing well at what she knew was not a strength and feeling good about meeting the challenge.
Afterwards, her mom, in seeking to celebrate her daughter, offered what was likely intended to be a compliment, yet it certainly wasn’t received as one.
As you can see and hear in the video, it was good for some laughs now, at least for the people to whom she was seated near and for the audience. At the time, however, and maybe even now, it wasn't easy for the recipient of that communication to feel positive.
Communication that hurts can stick with us for years, decades and even a lifetime.
Other people and ourselves may not realize how communication is being received when its intended to be a show of excitement and celebration.
If we assume that most people are well intentioned, it can be confusing as to why we don’t realize that what we communicate can at times come across as critical.
“Communication misfires often stem from a lack of awareness rather than ill intent,” says Seth Eisenberg, the president and CEO at PAIRS Foundation, a non-profit charity for healthy relationships.
“We sometimes inadvertently prioritize the critique over the praise. Often, our own fears and insecurities influence how we deliver feedback and we project our expectations onto others.
“This can lead to a disconnect between intention and impact, where the recipient feels criticized rather than supported.”
“There’s a power in naming what you are experiencing to help you process it,” says Emily Walton, a leadership coach and founder at Alo Coaching. “However, when our experience and the perception of the other person are not the same, we can end up sticking our foot in it.”
In the case of Smulders’ mom communicating critically about what her daughter felt she had overcome, Walton analyzes it.
“In this instance, she stated that she wasn’t able to hit the notes but that she put forward a great effort and assumed they each had the same understanding of the performance from two different points of view,” she says.
There was a better way, Walton insists.
“Before offering support, check that what you say would be nice on the receiving end.”
This type of hurtful communication of course also occurs in the workplace.
The reasons may not always be simple to diagnose.
“There could be a variety of influences at play,” Walton says. “Sometimes people are intentionally passive-aggressive. Other times, they might say something with good intentions and be unaware of how it was received. You can infer their intent but you can’t be sure unless you ask them to clarify what they meant.”
For the recipient of the communication, perception is not always reality.
“This type of communication is often not passive-aggressive, though it can certainly feel that way to the recipient,” Eisenberg states.
“More frequently, it’s a case of clumsy communication, a well-meaning attempt at constructive feedback, that misses the mark. The person offering the feedback might be trying to balance praise with constructive criticism, but if not done thoughtfully, it can come across as disingenuous or even dismissive.”
Psychology can be a variable in play.
“What’s important to understand is that such communication is often a reflection of the communicator’s own unresolved emotions or unmet needs,” Eisenberg points out.
“When we give feedback, especially in a professional setting, it’s vital to be aware of the emotions we carry into that conversation. Are we genuinely in a place of support and growth, or are we, perhaps unconsciously, expressing our own frustrations, fears or need for control?
“This awareness can significantly change the tone and reception of our feedback.”
When Smulders talked in the video about how her mom’s comments shook her and Smulders still had several more performances to go, it reveals how very difficult it can be to regain one’s emotional balance and confidence to get back to work and excel right away afterwards.
“The receiver as well as the provider of the feedback have power in these instances,” Walton asserts, explaining that, “If you aren’t looking for approval from external sources, then feedback from one person’s perspective may not shake your confidence.”
The bad news is if one is vulnerable self consciously and then hears criticism, it can have a negative impact moving forward.
“If you respect and want the approval of that person and don’t receive it, this can feel like a major setback,” Walton says.
“There is another way to look at it too: The person who provided the feedback may not be aware that what they said has impacted you.
“You could have a conversation with them about their intentions and whether you are each on the same page about them.”
It’s not weakness to be moved off one’s peace when working hard, succeeding and learning that others feel the work was less than stellar.
“The emotional journey described here is very common,” Eisenberg says.
“When someone feels proud of an achievement, especially in a vulnerable context like performing, they’re in a heightened state of emotional openness.
“Receiving a backhanded compliment or any feedback that feels like a contradiction can be jarring. It can cause the recipient to second-guess their abilities, diminish their sense of accomplishment and erode their confidence.”
He goes deeper to explain the science and reasoning behind it.
“This kind of feedback taps into deeper emotional wounds and unmet needs, such as the need for approval and validation,” Eisenberg says.
It becomes vital for the communicator to gain helpful, necessary understanding.
“It’s crucial to recognize that when feedback triggers these feelings, it’s not just about the present moment but also about past experiences where similar feelings of inadequacy or rejection were experienced,” Eisenberg says.
“In a professional context, this can lead to a reluctance to take risks or put oneself in a position of vulnerability again.
“The person might start to play it safe, avoiding situations where they could face similar criticism. In the long term, this can stifle creativity, reduce motivation and limit growth, not just for the individual, but for the team or organization as a whole.”
Maybe there is a stronger approach to celebrating someone or providing what is seen as positive feedback, something along the lines of "this is what you did very well and this is what we can still work on and improve.”
“As humans, we have a natural tendency to lean negative,” Walton wants to remind leaders.
She recommends being clear and direct.
“By avoiding the chance for a negative interpretation or disappointment to take root, there’s a better chance for healthier workplace relationships and communication.”
Eisenberg is in agreement about the need for and benefits of being clear and direct.
“When leaders focus on direct, balanced feedback — acknowledging what was done well while also providing clear, constructive suggestions for improvement — they are far more likely to foster a positive, productive environment. People feel seen and valued for their efforts, which encourages them to continue striving and improving.
“In contrast, when feedback is muddled with backhanded compliments or unclear messages, it can lead to confusion, resentment and a lack of trust.”
That is certainly not what leaders or organizations want to happen, for their own good.
“The quality of performance often declines because people are less likely to take initiative or innovate if they feel their efforts will not be fully recognized or appreciated,” Eisenberg explains.
“It’s important for leaders to recognize that their words carry significant emotional weight.
“Effective communication in leadership is about creating an environment where people feel emotionally safe to take risks, make mistakes and grow. This is the foundation of a culture of learning and development, where individuals feel supported in their journey toward excellence.”
Communication is felt and impacts the recipient and creates an outward and inward ripple effect.
“It’s important to remember that the way we communicate, both personally and professionally, has a lasting impact,” Eisenberg says.
“By being more mindful of how our words might be received, we can help others feel valued and motivated, rather than inadvertently diminishing their accomplishments.”
He points out that words are for more than just expression and being a needed tool.
“Communication is an art, and with practice, we can learn to offer our support in ways that truly uplift those around us.
“Above all, we must remember that at the heart of effective communication lies the need for genuine human connection, the need to feel understood, valued and supported.”
Thank you for reading this issue of Communication Intelligence.
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