There can’t be many more positive, attention-getting, exciting questions to ask of someone than the one the Burt Reynolds said that Frank Sinatra would ask of his friends, “What can I do for you?”
Even better, Reynolds added about Sinatra, “And he meant it."
Trust and confidence in the person asking to help makes all the difference.
"That they know you 'mean it' is the most critical aspect,” says Jennifer K. Gershberg, a campus speaker and owner at JG Talks.
“So many people ask what they can do for others but don't really want to hear the answer or have all the best intentions but don't deliver on their word. When you ask this question and your friends know you mean it, it conveys your genuine concern for them, interest in their wellbeing and commitment to being part of their village. This is how we can create meaningful communities.”
The question reveals something impressive about the person asking it and extending themselves as helper.
"‘What can I do for you?’ establishes a willingness to give. That willingness suggests an understanding that the speaker recognizes that the other party has needs and goals, and expresses a willingness to hear and possibly fulfill those needs,” says Graham Hill, a writer and real estate consultant and advisor at Find Hokkaido Agents.
“It is so rare that anyone can see past their own needs. The question ‘What can I do for you?’ is warm and refreshing.”
Beyond the caring and generosity, there is the fact that someone is offering their time and effort.
“It suggests that the speaker is offering to be of service,” Hill says. “If it is common to want, to take, it is uncommon to offer 'to be of service, especially in such an open-ended way. That spirit of service can be the basis for a deep, special kind of relationship, particularly when it is mutual.”
This sends an emotionally-strong message to the recipient of this communication.
“This is one of the most charitable questions or offers a person can put to another,” says Jo Hayes, an etiquette specialist, speech-language pathologist and the CEO at Etiquette Expert. “It conveys a spirit of selflessness, generosity, charity, kindness and respect.
“When it is said by one who is known to be a person of their word, it demonstrates that they are genuinely eager to be of service to the other. It is a spirit we should all be striving for.”
That certain people voice this request, genuinely want to give and follow up and deliver must be rooted in something deep inside of them. Not everyone however does this for their friends.
“I believe that most often, people mean well but become overwhelmed by their own lives and disengage as a result,” Gershberg says. “As for the people who don't ask this question at all, it may be that they don't know what to say when faced with a friend's crisis or that they would like to help but don't feel they have the bandwidth.”
Hayes sees something else that happens, at least at times.
“Individualism, one of the unfortunate characteristics of the modern western world, has bred a societal mindset focused on self, rather than the other,” she contends.
“Those with this mindset are far less inclined to offer service to other, be it friends or otherwise. Fortunately, there are still many other-focused people in the world, seeking to serve, rather than be served. May we always endeavor to be part of this group.”
There is also the variable of resources, whatever they might be in a particular situation.
“The question ‘What can I do for you?’ comes from a generous position. If you have nothing to give, in a physical sense or in an emotional sense, you are unlikely to extend that kind of offer,” Hill points out.
There is also the type of lens that someone looks through that dictates a the caliber of a giving personality.
“Some people that don't proactively offer that level of attention and service don't see life from a position of abundance and generosity,” Hill says. "‘What can I do for you?’ is a rare offer; individuals that come from such a rich psychological position, where they can afford to pay so much attention to what they can give, are also very rare.”
There is that person’s history and current environment that may play a role.
“Another reason why it is an uncommon question is cultural,” he declares. “I mean that in a personal-interpersonal sense of culture. If an individual was never taught to think of others in this way, if they have no examples of people that they admire that treat others this way, they might not be conscious of this perspective.
“In that case, it only takes a little exposure to a culture where people treat each other like this to level up and begin to see opportunities to offer this kind of grace in their own relationships.”
This specific type of communication exchange holds an impressive level of potential to positively impact the world, whether between friends or strangers.
“This question holds enormous power,” Hayes exclaims. “It reflects the famous quote by President John F. Kennedy, in his inaugural address: ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.’
“It was an exhortation to the people of the United States of America to put themselves at the service of their country and their fellow Americans, to commit to a life of civic action and public service. If we all went about our days with actioning this question as our goal, it would, quite literally change the world.”
It’s also the structure and chemistry of better relationships and evolved humanity.
“Listening well to others, trying to understand their needs and bringing value to them lies at the heart of effective relationships, both personally and professionally,” Gershberg says.
“I tell students all the time that networking is done one relationship at a time. When we ask people what we can do to help them, it engenders trust and allows us to play a valuable role in their success.”
There is additionally the reward that this type of thinking and behavior creates.
“Having a service mindset also makes us feel more confident,” Gershberg teaches.
“When we see ourselves bringing value to others, we hold our heads higher because we get to witness for ourselves the power and value we hold. Helping others is the best way to network, to build authentic relationships built on trust and to build goodwill in the future.”
Hill agrees.
“There is a principle called ‘go first,’ where you create trust and cooperation by being willing to go first in terms of showing interest in the other party. This is also quite rare,” he says.
“While some level of personal boundaries is healthy, boundaries can melt when the other person shows a sincere willingness to go first and offer time and attention to the other party.
“As a personal example, I closed a meeting with that exact phrase, asking a business partner, ‘What can I do for you?’ I also suggested two or three things I thought that I could do and looked for interest and confirmation from the partner.
“I followed up after the meeting, trying to meet those needs, all of which takes the intention to be of service further and helps show that I am sincere.
“If I go first with my business partners, follow through, I may never see that intention reciprocated. That is not my goal, but I should see more opportunity for trust and cooperation in that relationship going forward,” Hill concludes.
Thank you for reading this issue.
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