Turning Down the Gaslighting
Winning the figurative war is arduous work yet you can develop a helpful strategy
Gaslighting is a self-absorbed behavior where someone or some people in a group manipulate another person into doubting their perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events. Its effectiveness varies yet when it is successful, moderately or highly, it is its most psychologically dangerous to the recipient and other vulnerable people around them.
Did you know, for instance… “according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 43 million women and 38 million men will experience some form of gaslighting at some point in their romantic lives,” writes Jennifer Gutman, Psy.D.
In other words, it’s not uncommon. It’s a very possible occurrence. Whether its an isolated case, a pattern or chronic, it’s not only unhealthy, it’s deserving of regular intelligent conversation and learning.
This article will first describe gaslighting more in depth and then talk about what you can do to protect yourself and others.
“Gaslighting (however) can occur in any relationship (romantic, family, friends, co-workers) or within a group or organization (work, school, government, medicine) in which one person or entity has potential power over another individual or group,” writes Amelia Kelley, Ph.D., a trauma informed therapist and psychology professor at Yorkville University.
“Gaslighting is not always obvious and often manifests in ways that are covert and difficult to detect,” she adds. This is a critically important note to remember if you are new to being on the receiving end of it or if you have been told by a victim of it and are unsure if an offender is really offending. It’s not always out in the open. That’s by design.
Before continuing, it is imperative to know precisely what we’re thinking and saying, Kelley asserts. “Gaslighting is not…
Someone disagreeing with you or having a different opinion.
Someone viewing a situation differently than you, especially due to their past experiences influencing their perception.
Someone telling you that you hurt their feelings or offended them, even though you did not realize you had done so or disagree with them.
Someone forgetting they told you something or having a poor memory due to things like stress, ADHD, sleep deprivation, post-partum hormones or mental health issues.
The fact is “gaslighting” as a label is grossly overused in that it gets slapped on people for what Kelley mentioned above, that is not gaslighting.
With this in mind, let’s continue.
What’s usually behind this destructive — and self-destructive — behavior?
“Gaslighters are motivated primarily by two things,” writes Dan Mager, an author and a former psychotherapist, clinical supervisor and clinical director. That being, “To avoid accountability for their own bad behavior and to control the victim’s behavior.”
The effects are negatively powerful. “Researchers identified three notable adverse effects on people who’d been gaslit,” Mager writes. “A diminished sense of self with increased uncertainty, increased guardedness and increased mistrust of others.”
For context of what that means, he adds that “healthy relationships generally reduce one’s feelings of uncertainty, expand the sense of self and create a sense of shared reality. Gaslighting destroys any semblance of a sense of shared reality and seeks to create two separate, effectively competing realities and convince the victim that only the perpetrator’s version is valid.”
When people are courageous or otherwise willing to address the troubling behavior, “gaslighters suggest their ‘challenger’ is making it up, change the subject or divert attention elsewhere,” writes Debbie Peterson.
This denial can be shocking, puzzling, infuriating, discouraging or depressing.
This gaslighter denial reaction is of course not the only strategy practiced, according to Duygu Balan, LPCC and co-author of Re-Write: A Trauma Workbook of Creative Writing and Recovery in Our New Normal.
She provides a list of others and explains, which I paraphrase and accent.
There can a minimizing of the victim’s experiences and feelings. That is a big one. Another weapon used is psychological projection, where the gaslighting person blames you for their behaviors, getting you to question yourself and the situation.
Blame shifting is another deceptive behavior where the gaslighter says you are the reason for what they did to you or are still doing. They can additionally hold back information, affection, communication or whatever else you might value, leaving you feeling confused, hurt, deprived.
Other issues might be brought up by them to divert your focus and the conversation away from the immoral behavior they are committing.
Gaslighters, Balan stresses, “are master discrediters, who use malicious put-downs, name-calling or profiling to smear reputations and dehumanize opponents, fueling others to pile on.” The reason?
“They’re designed to make others perceive you as deficient,” Balan quotes Melissa Hamilton, PhD., as saying, “thus regulating relationships by turning (people) against you.”
In essence, they are chronic deceivers and liars and manipulators, who too often are believed and supported. This can appear to make them untouchable.
Now that you have the “guts” of the reality, let’s tackle what you can do about it. I’ve included a cross-section of sources for this attempt to inform and help.
Debbie Peterson:
Responding in distress can feed gaslighters’ attempts to manipulate.
(Comm Intel: I would add that distress also feeds their sadistic side. They enjoy your suffering.)Know and document facts and speak them when it is misrepresented.
(Comm Intel: Be ready for punishment as a reaction from the gaslighter)Don’t be alone with a gaslighter. Someone using gaslighting tactics has a harder time manipulating multiple people.
Speak up about the harassment calmly and confidently. Calling out criticism and insults demonstrates a refusal to accept the behavior. Making others aware of the abuse may disincentivize gaslighters.
(Comm Intel: This is wise and dangerous both so have a plan for their anger)Don’t get drawn into conflict. Instead, say something like, “It seems we remember things differently.” Change the subject or leave the room.
(Comm Intel: See if you can agree to mutually part if possible, as to not “offend” the gaslighter and give them another reason in their mind to retaliate for perceived disrespect or humiliation)Spend time with supporters and loved ones. Maintain communication with support systems. Make sure to give family and friends contact information and check in often.
“An understanding of how gaslighting shows up in different contexts and how to turn it down can reduce some of its negative impacts,” Peterson writes.
Amelia Kelley:
The first and most crucial step is recognizing what is happening. Pay attention to any common phrases and tactics being used and notice if the situation causes: self-doubt, confusion and/or uncertainty; over-apologizing, insecurity about the validity of your feelings, difficulty with decision-making, feeling a loss of control.
Create space in your body with breathwork, grounding exercises and other self-care skills.
Documentation can help ground your sense of reality and aid future decision-making about the relationship. The documentation is not intended to change the gaslighter, as they could likely weaponize the evidence. Instead, it is a way to connect with your sense of reality and to remind you of your own thoughts and feelings that are separate from the (other person or people).
Sharing your experience with others may feel scary, but it can also save you from harm. Finding someone you can trust outside of the relationship to process your emotions… can help you regain your sense of reality. If you experienced societal or medical gaslighting, you may want to share the evidence you gathered with a human resources department (or other governing agency) so the gaslighter receives consequences if possible.
Regularly engaging in self-care helps maintain and rebuild self-esteem crucial for healing from gaslighting.
Being the target of gaslighting is perplexing and at times, painful, excessively so yet it can be responded to in a manner, with support included, to mitigate the emotional, psychological, physical, health, legal, career, relationship and reputation damages. Be encouraged, if possible and apply responses that are moral, assertive and helpful.
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