Successful Communication is Often More Than Instinct; Here's What is Required
Three professionals discuss the risks and what will help communicate at a higher level
There can be a problematic gap between how confidently and effectively we believe we are communicating and how well, in reality, we actually are doing so in practice.
“We tend to treat it as instinctive, something that happens automatically, while in fact it’s a complex, multilayered skill set that demands awareness, intention and structure,” Naira Velumyan, PhD, wrote at Forbes.com.
Velumyan is founder at the Academy of Social Competency, which specializes in the training of leadership, self-confidence, communication and relationship-building skills.
That complexity of understanding and necessary multiple skills to interact to be our best can prove confusing and challenging.
“The single greatest mistake about communication is to think saying words means being understood,” says Thomas Fighter, a criminal trial lawyer, legal instructor and the founder at Fighter Law.
“I have seen two people hear the same statement and react in diametrically opposite ways. Communication isn’t instinctive. It’s intentional. It takes tone and timing, even more than it does vocabulary. Clarity is not what you say, it’s what people hear.”
It’s important to give depth of focus to the goal of connection and comprehension.
“Many people think clarity comes from being clear in their minds about what they are saying,” Fighter adds. “In practice, people do not necessarily respond well to legal precision; they favor emotional coherence and consistency between words and demeanor.
“We fail to communicate when we forget to proportion our message to the way others perceive.”
The use of particular questions to stimulate thought and determine what is and isn’t being communicated can increase the probability of higher-level understanding.
“Rather than asking if they have any concerns or questions, ask them, ‘What concerns you about this?’ or ‘What questions do you have?’” advises Robert Minicucci, the managing director at RAM Health Communications. “Such questions help create a safe space to share differences without escalation.”
Giving added attention and trust to listening and doing it skillfully is recommended.
“We all want to connect and be heard,” Minicucci says. “It can help if you are the first one to listen and are accessible, so you can begin to form better connections.”
“What I often see… is that people focus on what they want to say, not on how others will understand it,” says Yulia Borysenko, staff director at Mobilunity, which helps companies cut expenses by hiring remote experts from around the globe.
“As for me, the biggest misunderstanding is assuming that clarity for one person automatically means clarity for another. We come from different backgrounds, cultures and moods, as even children from the same family have different characters.”
This is vital to realize, Borysenko states.
“All of that changes how we receive messages,” she says. “Real communication starts when we try to see things through someone else’s eyes and understand their point.
“I believe the best communicators are… the ones who stay curious.”
Developing clearer, improved understanding to lessen the risk of confusion or misunderstandings is an important checklist item.
“The only way to give ourselves a fighting chance of making sense and not being misinterpreted is to add structure into our communications,” Fighter stresses. “That is a process of clear expectations, verifying comprehension and inviting correction without shame.”
He talks, as an example, about how he practices this approach in his profession.
“As part of my legal work, I always distill complex agreements into layman’s terms and then ask the client to explain it back to me — an easy test for actual understanding.”
Rejecting guesswork is strongly advisable.
“Saying more words does not yield clarity, but rather precise, readable ones do,” Fighter says. “Empathy helps, too; if you have any read on the emotional state of the listener, it’s easier to frame something that resonates rather than offends.
In any kind of relationship — romantic, business or friendly — take a moment before answering, check assumptions and make notes of key ideas during high-stakes encounters.”
A Smarter Beginning
“Don’t assume that people understand you initially,” says Minicucci.
“Validate and check with people to be sure your position is clear or you got your point across. Texting or email can be awful and lead to misunderstandings. It helps to pick up a phone and talk to people. It can save a lot of back and forth, as well as assumptions, grabbing hold of your brain and spiraling out of control.”
A Foundational Piece
“Of course, there’s no universal formula, but what I see is that everything starts with respect,” Borysenko says. “When people feel respected, they listen more carefully and respond more honestly.”
She touches on how to assess how successfully the communication is performing or has performed.
“In a team, it helps to build habits of open feedback. After a project or meeting, simply asking, ‘Did we all understand this the same way?’ can prevent a lot of misunderstandings later,” Borysenko says.
“I also believe in keeping things human: using warmth, eye contact and simple language is always a good idea. In business communication, as in life, we should talk not just to be understood but to connect.”
The pressure to be a 'good communicator' always feels like it's about being extroverted and chatty. But this article gets at something deeper - you talk about connecting better. I actually think introverts have an advantage here because we're already listening more than talking. The problem is when people mistake our quietness for not understanding or not caring. Sometimes the person saying the least is understanding the most.
Happy Thursday, Michael.