Speaking Up in Dangerous Situations: The Great Uncle Jack Story
Learning how to protect yourself - and others - with assertiveness and questions
People can choose to go against their best interests and not say anything in moments when something should be said or clearly needs to be said. The reasons for not speaking up, effectively, can be different.
Whether we feel uneasiness, the “need” remains and at times, it may be a critical one.
Actress Geena Davis has told an illuminating story about her childhood that reveals how an overly polite nature can be dangerous when something, unquestionably needs to be communicated for safety reasons.
She begins her story by saying that her great-uncle Jack, 99-years old at the time, on a family drive. "He was behind the wheel and my parents and I were in the back seat and my aunt Marion was in the front,” Davis recalled.
“We're going down this very narrow road — at night — and every once in a while Uncle Jack would just veer into oncoming traffic lane; thankfully no one was coming, and then veer back. My parents weren't going to say anything but my mom put me in the middle between them,” she adds.
“When we (likely) had the head-on collision, I might die less, maybe,” Davis reasons her mom thinking at the time.
"So now, he veers into the other lane but a car is coming: closing the gap, closing the gap (between their vehicle and ours). There is nowhere for them to pull off and no one says anything.
“At the last instant, my aunt (in a soft voice) says ‘a little to the right, Jack.’ He just veers out of the way. And (the other car) went by so close!
“So my parents would literally rather die — and kill their child — than say something that uncle Jack (might not like)."
While Davis’ parents and aunt were poised, on the outside at least, and no one was hurt in this story, it was more a matter of a great fortune than a trusted strategy.
It is beneficial to ask ourselves why, when danger is present, we can become passive and decide not to say anything, especially if we don't even fear another person.
“It is the bystander effect,” says Noah Kass (see photo), a psychotherapist and the founder at Kass Therapy and Hypnosis. “Generally, we believe that in a dangerous situation, there is going to be someone else who will speak up and get us out of trouble.
“Also, we doubt our abilities to judge situations correctly. Are we misjudging the danger? If we speak up, will this make it worse? We question our own power to change the situation and (we) freeze.”
Davis’ story triggered a memory for Emily Turner, the managing director at Sunwest Communications, a public relations firm.
“Having experienced something similar with my grandfather, I believe this comes out of a place of respect,” Turner says. “It can be extremely intimidating to speak up, especially when addressing someone who is a major authority figure in your life and taught you to respect your elders.”
There is a better way to communicate, one that doesn’t involve silence.
“Know your audience,” Kass says. “Make sure what you are saying to them is easy for them to follow. Ambiguity is the enemy in a dangerous situation. Be direct in the language used and calm in tone and delivery.”
Thinking back to the story, this is how the passenger in the front seat, as a de facto co-pilot, knowing the driver well, communicated when the danger reached its height.
“Communicate early and often,” Turner says from her experiences. “At the first sign of dangerous behavior, proactively schedule a time to begin talking to the person about the topic. This will be a process, so it’s important to start as soon as you notice an issue.”
She elaborates on the details from her personal experience.
“To begin, you can try using a questioning approach, with inquiries like, ‘will you think about this…or will you consider this?’” Turner suggests. “Then, insert the behavior you would like them to work on. For example: ‘will you think about letting us find rides for you?’
“After the conversation, give the person time to reflect, but not too much. Next time you talk to them, ask if they liked the approach presented or want to try an alternative. Once you have a solution that the person accepts as decent, help them facilitate that action moving forward,” Turner says. “Finally, thank them for being open to change and putting the safety of others at the forefront of their decision making.”
Examining Davis’ story, not knowing the family dynamic, was there a better way to prevent a highly-possible fatal car crash, without creating overwhelming conflict?
“The description of the incident was terrifying, and in that moment, the only way they could have successfully stopped it would have been to make an excuse as to why they needed to immediately pull over,” Turner surmises.
“A tiny white lie — ‘little Geena needs to go to the potty!’ — is better than death in a fiery car crash,” Turner says.
“Most people’s instincts would be to accuse the driver of having bad vision or yell at them, which could make the danger even more imminent as the driver becomes agitated. Once they were at a rest stop, her parents could then ask for the keys.”
Communicating with confidence and assertiveness can open doors to safer outcomes.
“It is helpful to intervene as early as possible to prevent the dangerous situation from getting worse,” Kass stresses. “You want to transition to problem-solving mode — ‘how can we get out of this situation’ — as quickly as possible. You do this by focusing on what the person needs to hear in order to act rationally.”
He goes in depth about useful questions to ask to guide your communication.
“What will get this person to listen? What matters to them? What are their goals in life?” Kass says. “Remember to respect how this person sees their world, and the world. If you can respect their perspective, they can begin to think more rationally about their thoughts, emotions and behaviors.”
This practice is helpful in all relationships, even when danger isn’t a present challenge.
“Being confident and assertive in your communications with everyone from your partner to your kids, your boss and beyond, will only benefit you, and them, in the long run,” she says. “And you just might save yourself from being on the receiving end of a terrible haircut.”
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