Rewiring Your Brain After an 'Inner Earthquake'
Stronger, healthier self talk is possible after the trauma
Maybe you’ve experienced a life experience so shocking and powerfully painful, not known what was really happening at the time, how to get to the other side of it or knowing the encouraging possibilities that lie ahead.
“These events fundamentally affect our sense of identity. There was a way a person experienced life before these events. There is another way they experience life since these events happened,” says Jenny Calcoen, CEO and founder of Inner Earthquake.
She elaborates on what this could have been for you or people you know and care about. “Some examples of pivotal life moments are: contemplating or getting a separation or divorce, the loss of a loved one, an unexpected job change, the empty nest experience, work-related burnout, etc.,” Calcoen says.
The sensations experienced can be distinctly memorable and communicate strong emotions and leave overwhelming feelings, at least initially.
“Here are some of my clients’ statements,” Calcoen says:
“I didn’t feel safe. The rug had been pulled out from under me.
“I didn’t know who I was if I was no longer the person I used to be. I didn’t even know what my favorite food or color was.
“My life was on autopilot. I didn’t even realize that I had disconnected from myself. It happened slowly and over many years. I didn’t know it happened until the death of my mother shook me awake.
“For months, my thoughts went between ‘why?’ to ‘why me?’, over and over again.
“I didn’t know what to do or where to start or how I would piece my life together again.
“I didn’t know that I could feel so confused and powerless.”
“I was blind-sighted and I felt that my heart was physically broken. I thought that I would die of heartbreak.
“I felt useless. I would wander around the house for hours trying to figure out what happened.”
The self-talk narrative can prove crippling.
“When people experience a major life event, they are propelled into a reality that is happening right now, in this moment. Most people live their lives on autopilot: they feel that time flies and they are missing the big and small important moments because they are busy, they are running around and they’re making sure everything gets done. Now they are forced to deal with the shock and the feelings that come with this pivotal moment in time, all at once,” Calcoen says.
Regardless of how a person may want to deny, sidestep and avoid what is happening, “They can’t put it off, they can’t postpone feeling it and as hard as they may try, they can’t make it go away,” she says. “It’s like an inflatable beach ball that they are trying hard to keep underwater and it takes all their energy, their optimism and their joy until they can no longer contain it.”
The problem is the communication taking place in an affected person’s head is not always naturally healthy and helpful.
“The self-talk this generates is harsh and unkind,” Calcoen has learned from her work in working with clients. “The inner judge takes over and talks to them in a way that they would never speak to another human being.
“The most common responses people have to an inner earthquake are to ‘power through,’ ‘white-knuckle it,’ and ‘grin and bear it,’ but these are dysfunctional coping mechanisms that are detrimental to their emotional, physical and psychological health in the long run,” she explains.
Instead, what should and needs to happen to move in the right direction to endure well and navigate successfully is understand what is required to increase the odds of emotional survival, personal development and a return to a new peace.
“In order to effectively process a situation,” Calcoen says, “they need to feel all their feelings, while knowing that any given event that takes place in life will not metaphorically kill them.
“There is much joy, happiness and fulfillment on the other side of an inner earthquake because while it is the end of something, it also signals a new beginning. There are many discoveries to be made. There is much to explore and to experience.”
To work through the impact and maybe the rubble inside, there are tools, she says, that can assist in cultivating resilience.
“Studies show that certain modalities such as mindfulness practices can rewire brains in as little as six weeks, reducing the size of the amygdala, the part of the brain that is responsible for the fear response,” Calcoen says.
“We cannot change what happens in life, but we can change our relationship to ourselves and therefore our lives.”
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