Responding to Disappointment and Inspiring Positive Outcomes
The understanding, details and process matter greatly
Disappointments get expressed yet how they get communicated in words and other action is what matters most to recipients. They can be shown in a manner that inspires a positive turnaround and quality outcomes instead of being hurtful, offensive and damaging, resulting in less desirable emotional reactions and planned negativity.
Communication Intelligence, the Newsletter, has a round-table conversation about it to ideally bring forth helpful insights and beneficial recommendations.
“Miscommunication during times of challenging communication is one of the best ways to cause emotional explosions,” says Jennifer Horspool, founder at Engagement PR & Marketing. “Be sure to have a sound (trustworthy) middleman or two who can follow up and keep the facts straight from emotional misinterpretations.
“If the news affects many people, remember that each person will look at it from a, ‘how does this affect me or the people I care for?’ perspective. Include these objections to people receiving the message properly in your talking points.”
This can’t be stated more strongly as a warning and directive, she says.
“The more you can get ahead of the potential for miscommunication, the better your communication will land,” Horspool teaches and reassures.
“The key lies in communicating disappointment in a way that fosters understanding and opens doors for future collaboration,” says Susie Tomenchok, a negotiation coach and executive coach. “Disappointment can be overwhelming in the heat of the moment. The answer is to have a response that you can stand by for the long term.”
The problem, she explains, “that gets in our way, is emotion” and “The key is preparing for all potential outcomes so that you have a plan even in the midst of an unideal outcome… The best approach is to take a moment before reacting, take a breath to gain clarity and remember the plan.“
“I believe in the power of constructive communication,” says Olivia Tapper, leadership communications expert and co-founder of Pet Portraits. “Start by reflecting on the root cause of the disappointment: Was the expectation clearly communicated? Misunderstandings happen and not from a lack of effort but from unclear objective and requirements.
“Let's say I want an apple and I'm thinking about a red apple since I hate green apples. Then I'm given a green apple, which I'm not happy with. The issue was me not clearly defining the requirement, what kind of apple.”
Another source is in agreement on this point.
“Most leaders have a sense of what they expect and they believe their teams should know these things without ever being explicitly told,” says Michael Sonbert, founder and CEO of Skyrocket Education and Rebel Culture.
“Leaders tell me all the time, ‘They should know to respond to emails within 48 hours.’ The issue is that with so many competing priorities, employees will focus on the most urgent, most explicit things and often let the other stuff slide.”
This leads to upset and often expressions of dissatisfaction, communicated sub-optimally. There is a smarter approach.
“When feedback is anchored in what the team previously agreed to, hitting our goals or being problem-solvers or collaborating for the greater good, it's much easier to deliver and to receive,” Sonbert says.
“When it feels random and not aligned to anything that's been explicitly laid out before, it can leave employees angry, defensive and skittish about the feedback that's coming next.”
“It’s important to approach these conversations with honesty, compassion and a long-term outlook,” says Uku Tomikas, CEO at Messente. “One approach I’ve found particularly successful involves three key stages: Context, Impact and Growth.
“It’s important to provide context. I always explain what caused the disappointment, ensuring a common understanding of what happened. For example, if the project doesn’t meet our goals, I’d explain what didn’t work and why.
“Next, I look at the impact. This means talking about the consequences of actions or results and how they impact your team, your clients, and your organization’s mission. But it’s important to keep it constructive, avoid blame and focus on areas for improvement.
“Finally, growth is where the conversation shifts to turnarounds and results. When we set clear, measurable goals for improvement and provide support and resources to help you reach those goals, we create a culture of ongoing growth.”
A different frame of mind developed into a skill and default response can be useful.
“The key is to channel a negotiator mindset,” Tomenchok asserts, going on to explain. “A negotiator anticipates both positive and negative outcomes in any situation. By preparing for disappointment, you can develop a contingency plan. This allows for an agile response that addresses the situation without burning bridges.”
Recognizing and expressing the “good” too will help the person communicating the unhappiness.
“My approach is to blend recognition with constructive feedback and focus on balance and transparency,” says Tapper. “I believe in acknowledging efforts and successes along with addressing areas for improvement.
“The strategy is to offer praise where it’s due, then segue into what could be better. It's about keeping that balance and providing guidance on how to achieve improvements.”
She’s discovered the valuable benefit with the belief and process.
“This method fosters a positive atmosphere and also motivates people to strive for continuous improvement, knowing they have the support and resources they need to reach their goals,” Tapper says. “Effective communication should always aim to inspire and empower. It’s about building a culture where feedback is seen as a stepping stone for growth, and achievements are celebrated as team victories.”
She is an advocate for leadership to humbly, courageously talk about their own personal and professional development as a form of modeling for their people.
“I make an effort to share my own improvements with the team to demonstrate that I'm also focusing on my own improvements,” Tapper says.
When talking about the dissatisfaction, choose not to be cold and communicate robotically.
“Don’t be afraid to express your feelings, but keep them focused on the goal of your communication,” says Horspool. “Take blame out of the situation and focus on processes that can be improved to ensure bad situations are never repeated or at least the opportunity for them is reduced.”
Implement professionalism and ethics and reveal it with words and actions.
“Give the receivers of the communication their due respect,” Horspool advises. “Listen actively and give the other parties a chance to respond. Try not to interrupt and not to listen to respond. Rather, listen to understand their point of view and ask clarifying questions. This will help you understand their fears and concerns. Once you understand, you can message your communication points more effectively.”
Sonbert provides two examples to illustrate how disappoint is usually communicated and how it can be expressed.
“Look at two examples of a leader delivering feedback to someone who's majorly missed the mark. The differences, for the same miss, can lead to an employee rising to the occasion or shutting down,” he says:
"Michael, I'd like to share some feedback about the meeting earlier. One of our values is impeccable preparation. However, on your slides, words were misspelled, formatting was inconsistent and the design was different on nearly every slide.
“I know you know this doesn't meet our bar. Going forward, the expectation is that you embody that value and ensure your work meets our standards, always. And if I can support you in any way, I need you to let me know. Can you agree to those expectations?"
Or
"Michael, your slides were a mess earlier today. It felt like you didn't prepare at all. I'm really frustrated with you right now. Listen, don't do that again."
Sonbert explains the difference.
“Of course, the first is light years better. It's unbiased, even in tone and connected to what the team previously agreed to. In this case, a team value,” he says. “The second is what most leaders do. They get annoyed, they say things like, ‘it felt like you didn't prepare at all,’ versus simply naming what was off: words were misspelled, etc.”
That’s important because, as he adds, “Team members are going to miss things. How that feedback is delivered makes all the difference.”
Tapper, however, believes this discussion should be worded differently, not about expressing disappointment but “rather, exploring opportunities for improvement together.”
Semantics? Maybe. Maybe not.
That mindset and approach can be much more helpful, she claims.
“By adopting a supportive approach and encouraging open dialogue, you ensure a constructive discussion and alignment towards a common goal,” Tapper says.
Communication Intelligence, the Newsletter, is an accompanying publication of Communication Intelligence magazine.
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Interesting to see the various perspectives. Nicely done. A great manager once told me to keep feedback "direct, specific, and non-threatening." I use this simple approach all the time to help me frame what I say.