Regretting Bypassing Asking for Advice
Think now about what you might not be able to learn instead of retrospectively
People let opportunities slip away, for different reasons, when it comes to gaining help from advice that they could ask for yet choose not to do.
John Jefferson Tan’s article illustrated this reality through the telling of one example. He wrote about Joe Johnson, an accomplished professional basketball player during his career, who participated in seven All Star games.
Johnson was struggling in some areas and was in the presence of someone who may have been able to illuminate the assistance he wanted to have to guide him through the difficulty. The person who was available to him and he decided to remain silent around was a person who was a master at his craft: the legendary Michael Jordan.
"We were doing all type of functions, and hanging out, and vacations, and I never, not once, pulled MJ to the side and was like, 'Man, I'm having this problem, how should I deal with it?'" Johnson wrote about for The Players' Tribune in 2022.
He had special access and a golden opportunity yet declined to verbalize his need.
His reasoning was fairly common for many people: habit and rationalization.
“I just tried not to make it about me during those times, you know?” Johnson wrote. “Because he would get all the Jordan athletes together and we would all hang out and just chill and enjoy the moment. But I hate that I never took advantage of those opportunities to ask questions and pick his brain.”
It seems that he thought the situation wasn’t ripe for being assertive. He may have thought it would have been selfish of him to take advantage of the moment and be negatively judged. In retrospect though, he did say, “I hate that never took advantage of those opportunities to ask questions and pick his brain.”
Regret Stings. It Hurts. Sometimes for Decades.
"I'm not a guy who's gonna just go up to a dude and be like, 'Hey, man. I'm having a hard time with this, this and this," Johnson explained.
"I was so closed off, closed in, in my own shell, dealing with it how I deal with it. But I wish I would've sought a little advice here and there from guys who had been through them wars, guys who knew how to lead.
"There were plenty of guys that I had played with that I could have asked for help, but I'll be honest, I really never reached out or sought guidance," he further admitted.
Johnson did what too many people do instead.
"I just kind of dealt with all those challenges in the best way I knew how,” he wrote.
Recently, someone sent a career opportunity to me and something unusual and important stood out under the listed qualifications for the role.
"Knows when to ask for help."
While not everyone is willing to provide guidance and assistance, more people than not will do so, whether positively and willingly or begrudgingly.
What may need to happen first is taking steps to get outside of one’s natural beliefs and conclusions, like Johnson detailed, to move out of their comfort zone.
“Communication is interpersonal, especially when it comes to the point of asking for advice. This means that it's not just about me and what's in my own head, it's as much about the person I'd be asking for help,” says Aliaa Remtilla, PhD, a career coach at Coaching with Dr. Aliaa Remtilla.
“So the first thing I'd say is that picking the right person to speak with for the given situation is extremely important.”
She explains how to determine specifically which qualities that source may possess.
“They need to be someone who has the relevant expertise and experience and someone you deeply trust,” Remtilla asserts. “If they don't meet these criteria, that could be the reason why we're struggling to get out of our head.”
She points out that there is more than one approach to this challenge.
“There's no objective right way to communicate our confusion and desire for direction. The right way is situationally defined in relation to the person we're speaking with,” Remtilla argues.
“Remembering this can reduce the stress associated with reaching out.”
She says moving forward requires a little confidence and small amount of action to begin a conversation. “If they're the right person to speak to, then they'll be able to extract the info they need from us,” Remtilla insists.
A Bigger Question
Developing self awareness that we have a need, maybe an urgent one, has to be present and motivating.
“The big question is around how we recognize the need to reach out to someone in the first place,” Remtilla points out. “Building habits of reaching out for support takes time. Start with working to identify the trigger for when there's a need for help.
“Is there a particular feeling in your body that arises: perhaps a tightening in the chest or an empty feeling in your gut? Or maybe it's about a million thoughts that race in your head. Or an inability to work productively. Once you've identified your specific trigger, you'll be better positioned to notice it when it happens again and again.”
It’s important to think ahead about our emotional response, Remtilla advises.
“It's possible to have multiple triggers,” she says. “For the trigger you have in mind, who's the most appropriate person to reach out? How do you reach out to them? What do you need to say in order for them to understand that you need their support?”
Remtilla explains why this is so important.
“If you're able to do this work of identifying your triggers and associated responses during a period of calm, you'll be much better positioned to respond when a trigger actually occurs.”
She offers encouragement.
“Remember that this is a life-long learning process. No need to land it perfectly right out of the gate,”Remtilla says as a reminder. “Continue to iterate. Your triggers will change over time, as will your responses.”
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I can relate to Joe Johnson’s hesitation.
It’s hard to admit when you don’t have all the answers, especially around people you admire.
I love the practical advice on identifying triggers and choosing the right person to reach out to.
Happy New Week, Michael.