Refusing to Apologize
Those that do it send negative messages. Here's what to know.
“Refusing to Apologize: How to Overcome This Insidious Habit,” is a powerful headline that is also a wise assessment of the impact and behavior. Choosing not to apologize, when habitual, is dastardly and shows, for whatever psychological trauma or reasons, weak character.
What people — and at times, organizations — fail to realize are the ugly messages that get repeatedly sent to those negatively impacted by harmful actions that are not followed by prompt, morally correct admissions, compassion and sincere, meaningful apologies. Those messages, in essence, convey “I don’t care about you or what happened and you need to get over it.”
Another message: “You are responsible for what happened, not me (or us).” Or “You’re such a baby, just stop playing the victim.” Or, “What? I didn’t do that!” Or “I know you want a confession and apology and you don’t deserve one and aren’t getting one.”
It doesn’t matter however to many people despite what is commonly known.
“In our relationships with others, it’s inevitable that we’ll hurt them from time to time, even though we don’t mean to. The challenge, then, is finding a way to make things right again. Research shows what those with high levels of social intelligence already know — sincere apologies are usually very effective at mending relationships that have been damaged by thoughtless transgressions.
“But all too often, we stubbornly refuse to apologize, even when we know we’re in the wrong,” writes David Ludden, Ph.D., a professor of psychology.
One smart strategy to consider emotionally when responding to such disappointing, hurtful or offensive refusal to apologize is realizing what is possible and what is not.
“The best way to do this is to accept their behavior — annoying as it is — and realize they’re simply psychologically incapable of apologizing,” Guy Winch, a notable psychologist and well-followed TED Talk speaker, writes. “What’s more, they’re not going to change.
“Practicing acceptance can help you disengage from arguments with them and help you limit your feelings of frustration, anger and hurt.”
In the end, he concludes, “We all have moments when we refuse to admit we’re wrong,” for whatever rationality we use. “But when someone never takes responsibility and is habitually incapable (or unwilling, Communication Intelligence contends) of apologizing, it’s a sign that they’re a person with a fragile ego and a weak sense of self.”
That’s an unworkable interaction and a frustrating or painful reality to come to eventually, grudgingly accept.
Communication Intelligence, the Newsletter is an accompanying publication of Communication Intelligence magazine.
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