Recognizing More of Your Abilities
Working through falsely not being able to see ourselves in a certain role
People, even those who are accomplished, can doubt themselves when it comes to new, potentially exciting opportunities. The skills may be present and the capacity to excel doing different work might be highly possible. Yet convincing can come hard.
There is a video clip circulating to this point where comedian Billy Crystal talked about a successful movie, When Harry Met Sally, in which he was the leading actor, playing the role of Harry Burns, alongside leading lady, actress Meg Ryan.
Tom Hanks didn’t like the timing of the offer of the role so he turned it down. Crystal was approached about it. It was not an easy sell as you might imagine.
"It's so weird," he remembered with a smile. "Suddenly, you're being told you're a romantic lead. That took a lot of adjustment for me."
He certainly proved he was up to the task in an area of his profession that wasn’t how he saw him and thus, not in his comfort zone. The movie however became loved by many and proved to have staying power.
Crystal was being told that he was capable of a type of work that most people want but he didn't see himself as other people did because he was passionate about — and doing — another type of entertainment. He likely also didn't see himself as fitting a certain stereotype look for a romantic comedy.
Decision makers believed in him, saw him as an attraction, a good fit and someone who would succeed. Crystal struggled though to accept the confidence and vision that people had in him.
This can happen to us too.
“It’s human nature to cling to the familiar,” says Patrice Williams-Lindo, a career strategist and CEO at Career Nomad. “We build identities around what we’ve always done, and when an opportunity arises that challenges those identities, we hesitate—not because we lack the ability but because we can’t see past our self-imposed limitations.”
For others, they have psychologically hardwired expectations from family driving beliefs and decisions.
“How many people do you know that said they pursued their career because their parents told them they should or that it is something they would be good at versus considering what fulfills them and what they are passionate about,” says Lynn Zakeri, a therapist and the owner at Lynn Zakeri LCSW Clinical Services.
“I am a therapist, and I really enjoy being a therapist. I am also a business owner as the owner of my practice and I am good at it, but I don't enjoy it, certainly not in the same way. What we are good at and what we are passionate about can be too very different things.”
When opportunities are presented to us, especially rare ones, Williams-Lindo has recommendations to consider.
“You’ve been chosen for a reason,” she stresses. “Someone sees something in you that aligns with this new role or project. Your current skills are transferable. Success in one area often signals untapped potential in another.”
If a person remains feeling uneasy, that’s natural yet that should not necessarily be thought of as a negative, at least the work offer itself.
“Discomfort is a sign of growth,” Williams-Lindo says. “If an opportunity scares you, it’s likely because it’s stretching you toward a better version of yourself.”
She details a framing she offers.
“I always encourage my clients to focus on the skills they already have and how they can be adapted to the new role. The magic lies in saying ‘yes’ before you’re ready and trusting that you’ll rise to the occasion.”
When we are the person with the opportunity to offer or are a close connection hoping to inspire confidence in someone, there are ways that we can effectively communicate.
“Helping others see their potential begins with empathy and clarity,” Williams-Lindo explains. “Reflect their strengths back to them. Sometimes people don’t realize how remarkable their own accomplishments are. Break it down for them, ‘You’ve done X, which shows me you’re perfectly capable of Y.’
“Share specific examples. Paint a vivid picture of how their current skills align with the opportunity. For example, if someone is hesitant about a leadership role, remind them of times they successfully managed projects or mentored others.”
Conversing about what’s next and not what is current can be helpful. Creating the visualization is a powerful approach.
“Focus on the transformation,” Williams-Lindo says. “Instead of emphasizing the challenges of the new opportunity, highlight the growth and impact it could bring to their lives or careers.”
She advises to help people know they are not — and will not — be alone.
“Offer support,” Williams-Lindo recommends. “Let them know they don’t have to figure it all out alone. Sometimes, just knowing someone believes in them is the push they need.”
She talks about moving from surprise or doubt to greater self awareness and confidence when special opportunities are unexpectedly offered.
“Ultimately, it’s about helping people move from ‘Why me?’ to ‘Why not me?’” Williams-Lindo says. “That shift in mindset can be life-changing.”
The quality of a connection goes a long way in being able to be successfully influence or persuade someone who can’t see themselves in a role that they have been offered by leadership.
“When you are a relationship that includes mutual respect, pointing out people’s strengths can really make an impact,” Zakeri says. “When you are in a clinical therapy relationship, even more so.
“I have found that I can be quite impactful when I share my clinical opinion. I will even laughingly point to my license on my wall and say that I am ethically and legally not allowed to lie to them and should I lie, they can sue me for malpractice. And then I go on to say what I see.”
She elaborates:
“I will give examples and use adjectives that will resonate,” Zakeri begins.
“For example, somebody with a learning disability may have grown-up feeling that they are not smart and even stupid in their own self-talk. I can provide examples of intelligent insights that they share with me and explain that smart brains come up with that sort of assessment.
“Pointing out the obvious in our feedback goes along way: ‘Wow, that's amazing that you thought of that. What made you decide to go that route? I see exactly why you did and I'm not sure that I would've come up with that on my own.’”
“It takes a level of intuition to see where people doubt themselves,” Zakeri says, “and it takes a compassionate person to take the time to state what they observe to them.
This can be well done by, “Explaining that this person was the person you thought of to present this opportunity and this is why — and provide examples on what you have observed in the past so that you are sharing the vision instead of intimidating someone with self-doubt.”
