Receiving the Deep Cut of Sharp Criticism at Work and Successfully Responding
A roundtable conversation about what will help you through it
Our professional communication may not always meet the standard expected and when that disappointment and dissatisfaction is conveyed to us, it may not be palatable or presented in a way that feels respectful. The “win” is in the response.
One leader recently spoke of a deeply-painful experience that knocked her off balance the rest of the day. She also spoke about how he came to digest her feelings and benefit from harsh criticism.
Mita Mallick is now a workplace strategist and author of The Devil Emails at Midnight: What Good Leaders Can Learn from Bad Bosses. Previously, she was a marketing and HR executive and it was there that she recalls a transformative experience.
“Earlier in her career, Mallick struggled to find her voice at work,” Sophie Caldwell reported at CNBC’s Make It section. “Part of her reticence stemmed from low confidence due to being bullied as a child.”
“I carried some of that trauma with me into the workplace, meaning I wanted to stay invisible because I was nervous about being a target,” Mallick says.
A former boss, after a talent review meeting, let Mallick know that her approach wasn’t working, wasn’t good enough and was failing.
He told her that because of her shyness, “No one knows what you do here. You’re a wallflower. You don’t speak up. The lights are on but I don’t know if anyone is home.”
If that wasn’t rough enough, he added a more searing comment.
He told Mallick that she lacked “potential” to grow into a leadership role, Caldwell wrote. Understandably, that opened up old wounds and left her not at her best.
“I was devastated,” Mallick remembers. Badly hurt emotionally, “she left work, went home and ate a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream,” Caldwell wrote.
After a long-hard day, Mallick came to the conclusion she had to invest in herself and improve her communication skills. When she thinks back, Mallick knows that while her former boss could have been more professional, he did speak the truth.
“He didn’t give it with a lot of kindness,” she told Caldwell, “but it was feedback I needed to hear.”
Mallick put in the work and is now, speaking to others is a strength.
“I was not born with the gift of gab,” she said. “I practiced like it was a sport.”
How She Prepares
“Before every presentation, Mallick rehearses what she’s going to say while she’s in the car or in the shower,” Caldwell wrote. “One helpful trick she recommends is to tell a co-worker that you’re planning to speak during a meeting beforehand, as a form of accountability.”
What she tells herself to coach herself.
“I always say, ‘I’m not gonna be the loudest voice in the room, but I will have impact,’” Mallick said.
What she came to conclude from that hurtful, ice-cream-soothing encounter with her boss is important. “I don’t like the way he did it, but I’m thankful for it,” Mallick said.
It’s valuable to learn how to best process and successfully respond to unkind criticism in regards to our professional communication.
“Sadly, sharp criticism from our bosses about us and our communication styles is the norm for many,” says Gregg Ward, an advisor, executive coach and the founder and executive director at the Center for Respectful Leadership.
“One way to handle it while it's happening is to engage in box breathing, which is a self-calming technique developed by military special forces. By focusing on our breathing to calm ourselves, we're less likely to respond emotionally or to lash out or break down.”
He offers an additional piece of guidance.
“Another technique that may help us to stay calm in the moment is to remind ourselves that we're not the only one who's been the target of this kind of disrespectful behavior; others have received it too,” Ward says.
“The first thing I would say is that it's important to remember this is not about your self worth,” says John Bates of Executive Speaking Success, who specializes in assisting ‘hard skills,’ logical leaders to communicate effectively with broader audiences.
“This is not about whether you're a deserving human being, this is criticism in the moment and it's your choice to either let it hurt you and take it personally or let it help you and examine it, to see if there are actionable steps you could take to better yourself.”
He offers preparation advice.
“Meditation is a great way to grow the muscle that will allow you to stay calm and curious, instead of being hurt and devastated,” Bates says. “I recommend the 7 days of Calm, which is free in the Calm app, if you're just beginning.”
Examine the Triggers to Reframe
“Take some time to work through whatever was triggered and then choose some kind of cognitive or emotional exercise, as I like to use in session with NLP, to reframe the situation,” says London Wolfe, founder at London Wolfe Healing, which brings different perspectives to business leadership and organizational psychology discussions.
“This allows for detachment and emotional growth. You have to recover from those situations in order to grow from them.
“Asking yourself certain questions like: ‘what about what they said stung the most?’ ‘Does this remind me of something from an earlier experience in my life?’ ‘What can I extract from what they said that can empower me to grow oppose to feeling less?’”
Keep it in Perspective
“One person’s opinion is one person’s opinion,” says Jessica Schroeder, a clinical marriage and family therapist. “It is important to hear the message and to take what is helpful from that message.
That “might be to take a risk to share more about your unique perspective,” yet she adds that, “If the message is ‘you are not good enough for this job,’ that is not helpful and should be left at the door.”
With Criticism Could Come a Seed of Benefit
“If the receiver of the message can hear what the manager was trying to say, that can be very powerful,” Schroeder says.
“I imagine the manager was trying to say something like ‘we want to hear your unique perspective on topics at work. We feel like you can add value to our conversations because of your training and experience.’
“People who are shy are expected to fit into a world of extroverts instead of letting them be shy,” Schroeder adds. “If extroverts want shy people to open up, they need to provide an emotionally safe space for them to share and commend them for sharing.
“Repeating this process will help the shy person feel more confident.”
Deeper Thinking and Evaluation
“Moving through and past your emotional reaction to harsh criticism is your first and most important step,” Ward advises. “Next, you've got to determine if the criticism was designed solely to insult or hurt you, or was the intention to help you, however crudely executed?”
Realize the Value in Front of You
“This kind of moment is a great leadership opportunity,” Bates says. “It's a moment when you can ‘lead up,’ even though they likely outrank you.”
He elaborates:
“One of the best things you can do for other human beings is to listen to them like they're great, no matter how they're acting in the moment,” Bates explains.
“If someone gives you this kind of harsh critique, are you able to listen for the good in it? For example, if this (particular) executive could say to herself: ‘That was painful overkill, but, he wouldn't even waste time criticizing me if he didn't care about how I'm being perceived?
“He believes that if people knew me better and understood what I do better it would not only help him, it would help me too. Maybe he's so over the top because he's really concerned about how this is holding me back...’"
The Positive Trigger
“Coming at it from that place would allow the actionable, and probably helpful suggestion, that this executive can do more to interact and connect with the team, while allowing the harshness and criticism to flow past,” Bates recommends.
“It's not easy in the moment, but it works much better.”
A Different Viewpoint About Executive Corrections
“We should retrain that leader,” Wolfe insists. “Asking questions to understand that employee and why they ‘introverted’ would get a better response.
“If someone is already a wallflower and you want them to open up then you have to work with them to come out of that area. Obviously, they had the skillset to get that job. If the person is a wallflower and dealing with an executive like that it would make sense for them to not feel comfortable.”
Look for What Else isn’t Understood
“They could be neurodivergent or something else could be going on,” Wolfe offers.
“They could work through that (emotionally-rough critical) experience but based on how they are wired, it may cause them to shut down further. Sometimes, we need that iron sharpens iron mentality to push us into a state of empowerment and strength to take control of a situation.”
Mallick was shook. Many people in the workplace likely have experienced the same reasonable mental and physical reaction. Moving out of that to address what needs to be done can be difficult yet not impossible.
“The feeling of being attacked is a very primitive reaction. Our nervous system is responding to a perceived danger,” Schroeder says.
“The old brain is perceiving the interaction as a threat of being kicked out of the social group, which means isolation, which is dangerous. So being shook for the rest of the day and night makes perfect sense.
“One of the best things we can do is have a support system who we feel loves us and accepts us no matter what, and I mean no matter what. This is basic attachment theory. We can go out into the world and take small risks when we have a safe haven and secure base to return to at the end of the day.”
Expand Your Thinking and Write Down Your Emotions and Experience
“Reflection and having a higher perspective to life can help us turn lemons into lemonade,” Wolfe says. “I always recommend journaling as it helps us to get what’s bothering us out of our energy. Talking to someone who can help develop confidence always helps too.”
Assume Positively and Ask Yourself an Important Question
“Once you've settled down, try assuming that the harsh critic has good intentions,” Ward suggests. “Once you do this, it's easier to separate the facts of what was said from the abusive language.
“Ask yourself, ‘what could actually be true?’ Even if you disagree, there's value in considering the possibility that they might have a point. It's at this point, you can determine if you need to make changes and what to do next.”
The Way Forward to Receive Positive Feedback
“One can ask themselves is there a glimmer of truth here and what changes can I make to address the feedback?” says Lynn Berger, a mental health counselor and career counselor and coach. “If they begin to receive positive feedback with their behavior changes, they will continue to improve their performance.”
The Reality
“It's a leader's job to point out opportunities for improvement and sometimes, under stress, we can all be overly harsh,” Bates says.
“If you can manage to hear that kind of feedback from a position of ‘they are looking out for my best interests,’ it can make it much easier to deal with.”
He provides a quick example to conclude:
“A while back I made a distinction between nice and kind,” Bates says. “It isn't nice to tell someone her dress is tucked into her underwear, but it is kind to tell her that.”
Uncertainty May Lead to Rough Communication
“People have a very hard time sharing things that they think are going to land badly, so they don't always do it so well,” Bates asserts. “And, if you can be glad they were kind and said something versus ‘nice’ and didn't say something, that can be a very good way to sift the good out and benefit, while allowing the bad to pass you by.”
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