Remedy for Fuzzy Understanding

The error we may be making and the simple technique for a solution

Communication, on the surface, seems so easy. Talk or write and other people will know exactly what we’re talking about, in context and we will develop clear meaning.

We know, however, that’s not reality. What’s getting in the way?

“One of the biggest hidden barriers to effective communication is assumption,” wrote Diane Hamilton, PhD., a behavioral expert, author and consultant. “We think we’ve been clear because we know what we meant. But clarity is measured by the listener’s understanding, not the speaker’s intent.”

That means the responsibility is entirely or almost entirely on us. Yes, the other person or people have to be trying yet this piece reasonably assumes that the majority of the time, listeners (or readers) are genuinely seeking clarity.

Hamilton provides an example that I too have experienced.

“I once had a boss who believed he communicated perfectly,” she wrote. “When people misunderstood him, he’d say, ‘If you had just listened to what I said.’ The problem wasn’t people’s listening. It was his lack of clarity.”

“You mean it was me?” Yes, I’m sorry, it was you.

Going back to what Hamilton mentioned near the top of this advisory, “we think we’ve been clear” because we’re operating from a different level of understanding than the listener. We’re confidently communicating and don’t recognize that confusion is present when the reality is, it is occurring.

Clarity is not what we believe or say it is, it is what other people’s minds are processing and concluding.

Ok, That’s the Problem. What Now?

“That’s why paraphrasing is such an underrated tool,” Hamilton wrote, going on to explain, “When someone repeats back what they understood, it gives the original speaker a chance to clarify before confusion snowballs into mistakes.”

Precision, as in most things, matters.

“It’s simple,” Hamilton claimed, “but it requires slowing down, which many leaders don’t make time for.”

True, right? I’ve heard and read accomplished leaders communicate that they don’t make enough time, usually because they have so much responsibility in their roles that they don’t have additional time or they don’t think that they do, to verify mutual understanding. That’s a problem.

Robert Cialdini, psychologist and author and Diane Hamilton, behavioral expert, author and consultant

Where Else this Problem Happens

This is not just a job and career issue. It’s also a personal relationship challenge with family and friends and a difficulty with strangers with whom we interact.

In other words, maybe we can use paraphrasing, in a civil manner, more often in all our communications.

Going Off the Rails

“Instead of asking questions to clarify, we assume we already know,” Hamilton wrote. “Instead of checking for understanding, we double down on our original point.

“When both sides are operating from their own assumptions, the message often gets lost completely.” That’s the risk we too often assume, unknowingly, of course.

EQ isn’t Enough

“Yes, emotional intelligence matters,” Hamilton admitted. “But a high EQ level alone won’t fix communication if people don’t ask questions, pause to listen or admit when they’re unsure.”

Emotional intelligence is just part of the communication and interaction recipe. The other components she listed have to be present. They aren’t always.

The Other Variable

“Curiosity is often the missing link,” she wrote.

She explained why.

“It’s what prompts us to explore what’s unclear instead of pretending to understand,” Hamilton wrote. “In my research on curiosity in the workplace, I found that people frequently hold back questions because they fear sounding uninformed.”

That’s not the bigger risk, she asserted.

“The cost of not asking is far greater,” she argued. That’s why it’s important to use. Not only is it a preventive measure, it also acts as a prescription for trouble.

It can be most helpful when, “communication breaks down, projects stall, relationships suffer and trust erodes,” Hamilton wrote. “Curiosity helps interrupt that cycle,” of a lack of understanding.

“It allows people to clarify expectations, challenge assumptions and invite perspectives that weren’t previously considered,” she expressed.

Paraphrasing + Emotional Intelligence + Curiosity = Better Understanding.

These skills and acts improve communication and help us more frequently and reliably achieve objectives, not block them.

Communication Intelligence Insights & Advisory is a section to help us learn more about thinking and communicating more successfully.