Difficult Dialogue With Your Partner
Softened start-ups and openness; listening and validation; self-monitoring and soothing; and repair attempts
The inevitable hard conversations in personal relationships can be daunting, yet with smarter professional insights they can be interactions that can be more confidently approached and successfully communicated.
A smart article — 6 Tips for Managing Difficult Dialogue With Your Partner, Prevent perpetual conflicts from getting gridlocked — was published in Psychology Today by Rachel Diamond, Ph.D. and a licensed marriage and family therapist. That piece is the inspiration for this feature.
Communication Intelligence, the Newsletter will focus on four of the six recommendations in Diamond’s article, yet you can read everything she discussed (highly recommended) at the link above. Her writing will be shared below followed by the insights and recommendations that Diamond granted this newsletter.
Excerpt: "Partners must first initiate the conversation in a way that optimizes connection over conflict. Use a softened start-up when beginning difficult dialogue. It should be an invitation, not a demand or criticism.
“Lead with a mindset of openness and commitment to partnership rather than starting from a place of negativity and resentment."
To do this effectively, there is a prerequisite to learn and develop as a habit.
“Starting a conversation, particularly one that is difficult because it’s a sensitive topic or a recurring issue, requires the initiator of the conversation to engage in productive self-talk beforehand to put themselves in the right mindset,” Diamond says.
“Let’s use the following case example,” she adds. “Say a couple, Jane and Ken, agreed to the importance of prioritizing family dinners as one way to maintain connection. Jane spent the time to make dinner and sat down at the agreed dinnertime. Her partner comes in 20 minutes late on the phone and walks past. Her internal dialogue could go a few ways. Jane could tell herself something like, ‘What a jerk! I bet none of my friends’ spouses are this inconsiderate. I deserve better, enough is enough…’
“In this scenario she’s likely to get up and approach her partner in a harsh and critical way. By doing so, Ken will likely respond with defensiveness that rejects influence – leading to digging in and a gridlocked conflict.”
Yet she says that’s not the way that a person has to respond after experiencing the initial rush of upsetting emotions.
“There’s an alternative,” Diamond asserts. “Something I often tell couples is to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. In the same scenario, Jane could instead tell herself something like, ‘I bet my partner got caught up with something at work. I feel bad that they look stressed and are so busy. I know they care about me, but my feelings are also hurt. I wish they would have communicated they were going to be late.’
“In this situation, Jane will be in a better mindset to approach Ken with a softened start-up,” Diamond suggests. “In doing so, Ken will better be able to accept influence and engage in a constructive dialogue about the issue.”
There is one point that is important to continually remind ourselves.
“How the conversation starts sets the stage for how it will likely go down,” Diamond says, adding that, “so much so that the pattern of how discussions of marital conflict begin have been demonstrated to predict divorce.
“In my article, readers can find a few additional suggestions for how to set up these types of conversations to improve the likelihood of them going well.”
Excerpt: "Practice reflective listening and validation. If your partner is talking, instead of problem-solving, reflect back the feelings and needs you hear. In doing this, you are providing your partner validation by recognizing their experience. It also reflects back to your partner that their perspective makes sense, regardless of whether or not you are ready to make changes at this point in the discussion."
Listening skillfully and validating: So critically important and at times, challenging. Building these skills, and showing others and ourselves a commitment to implementing and developing them into healthy, powerful habits, can be challenging.
“These skills are hardest to use during times of conflict when emotions are high, but like you said, are also critical,” Diamond says, going on to say that, “I recommend practicing these communication skills during times in which difficult dialogue isn’t taking place so that you can gain the experience.”
Studies have revealed how necessary listening and validation are for couples.
“It may be surprising, but research demonstrates that for happily married couples the ratio of positive to negative interactions is 5 positives to 1 negative even during conflictual discussions, Diamond says. “This is compared to an almost even split of .08 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction for unhappily married couples.”
Even when tension is not high or present, listening and validation is needed.
“During non-conflictual periods, happily married couples also do a better job engaging in positive interactions, demonstrating a 20:1 positive-to-negative ratio,” Diamond reports.
In short, she says, “The communication skills described are just some of the many ways to build positivity into the day-to-day interactions and, again, a good skill to practice for conflictual discussions to increase the likelihood for positive interactions.”
Excerpt: "Try self-monitoring and soothing. Throughout the difficult dialogue, keep a pulse on your internal temperature. If you feel dysregulated or flooded, meaning you are feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed, it will put the conversation at risk of going off-course. Reduce the impact of flooding by engaging in self-soothing, such as deep breathing, positive self-talk, or visualization."
As wise at this counsel is, people know that these recommendations can be and are often difficult even if you know about it. It is reasonable to say however that yet most people don't know about it and one can’t practice or develop into a skill that about which they are not informed. This recommendation, it can be logically argued, is necessary for relationships of all kinds, personal and professional.
“Going back to the first point, it is critical to use from beginning to end,” Diamond says, providing a professional’s warning to remember for safety: “If you try and begin a conversation and you are already feeling dysregulated or flooded, the conversation is likely to go off-track before its even started.”
It is helpful for couples to observe and communicate about each other’s current state before getting into what could be emotional conversations.
“It’s important that partners check in with themselves and each other to ensure they are physically, emotionally and psychologically in a place to have difficult discussions before engaging in them and, if not, to schedule an appropriate time rather than force the issue,” Diamond advises.
She illustrates how this can work in practice.
“One suggestion I give couples I work with is to approach their partner with clear, concise intention about the desired conversation with the soft start-up.
“Using the original case example, Jane could say something like, ‘Ken, I could tell that you must have been busy tonight and want to acknowledge that before I approach you with this. We spent time talking about our shared family values, one being family dinners. It hurt my feelings tonight when you were late without any communication beforehand. I’m hoping we can talk about this. What do you think?’”
She is also a proponent of breathing exercises to calm oneself or ideally, each other and prepare for the difficult dialogue.
“I also recommend that it can be helpful for couples to take a moment, together, to take a few deep breaths before starting the conversation,” Diamond says, explaining her reasoning: “This allows for a few things to happen — each partner is given the opportunity to refocus on their intentions for the conversation, conjoint regulation, as well as emotional attunement.”
Final Excerpt: “Make repair attempts. If the conversation still doesn’t go as planned, partners should engage in repair. Repairs are verbal or non-verbal attempts to diffuse negativity. Get to know your partner to understand what works best at repairing relationship ruptures."
Most people know the need and value of making repairs, even if they choose not to do it. Meaningful repairs work emotionally and psychologically for the receiver, giver and the relationship.
“We experience tears-and-repairs in our most significant relationships beginning from infancy. It is to be expected and what is most important for the relationship, is the process of repairing,” Diamond explains.
She talks about how this works.
“Repairs are meant to interrupt the trajectory of negative interaction cycles, which requires participation by both the giver of the repair and receiver of the repair,” Diamond says. “The giver of the repair must deliver an effective repair and the receiver must be able to identify that a repair attempt is happening and accept at least some part of it so that it can diffuse the negativity.”
For those who want to understand more and go deeper in their repairs, Diamond has additional assistance to offer.
“Each relationship is unique and different, but research has also demonstrated that emotionally-based repairs are more impactful than those that are cognitively-based.
“Going back to the initial case example, let’s pretend that despite the soft start-up the conversation gets heated.
“Ken was still stressed from work and Jane kept trying to push for a resolution despite the clear need for a break in the conversation
“An emotional repair either could say is something like, ‘I’m sorry. I can see my part in how this got off-track.’ Or, ‘I really care about you and still value this conversation. Let’s try this again tomorrow with fresh minds.’
“Cognitively-based repairs could sound like, ‘We’re getting off track.’ Or, ‘I think your point of view makes sense.’
“Overall, repair attempts are most effective when utilized early in the conflict,” Diamond says.
Understanding your partner, she adds, is invaluable when determining possible repairs that can be most resonate positively with them. “Repairs can be non-verbal, like a hug, or verbal, like the examples mentioned and subtle, like a slight injection of humor or obvious, like a clear apology.”
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