Moving Quicker Out of the Self-Inflicted 'Mental Torture Chamber'
An eight-figure business deal gone sour led to a breakthrough lesson from a friend
How a person’s ego reacts or responds to a stimulus or stimuli impacts how others react or respond in kind. Sometimes, a person only learns the errors of an interaction once the result is surprising and deeply painful.
“Six years ago, I got defensive in a meeting,” admitted Leila Hormozi, CEO at Acquisition.com, in a Facebook post, “which caused me to lose a $30,000,000 deal.”
That’s seven zeroes behind the “3.”
“After that meeting, I spent three days feeling sorry for myself and what I have done. I literally spent 72 hours beating the crap out of myself mentally.”
Hormozi knew she needed a distraction from the suffering as well as support and something positive on which to focus.
“I went to dinner with my best friend to get my mind out of it and to find someone else to feel sorry about me,” she recalled. “When I was telling my friend what happened, she stopped mid-bite and said something I remember to this day.”
Ice Water Shock Moment
Her best friend didn’t hold back what she saw transpiring.
“So you’re telling me that instead of spending the last 72 hours winning that deal back, you decided to sulk and feel sorry about yourself?”
Maybe that’s not quite what Hormozi expected to be communicated yet she it jarred her from how thinking and she came to recognize that correction as a valuable gift.
“At that moment, she made me realize that every minute you spend in the mental torture chamber you put yourself into, is a minute that you are actually not solving the problem,” she concluded.
“Champions don’t punish themselves longer, they recover faster.”
Hormozi’s best friend was a mentor in a moment when Hormozi — emotionally, psychologically and behaviorally — needed one, because she was not clear of mind and pursuing the more helpful response to what had gone wrong.
“It can be incredibly valuable to have a supportive person take you out of a cycle of rumination and self-shaming,” says Natalia Michaelson, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist who helps people with trauma and anxiety, amongst other focuses.
“A supportive person can interrupt the cycle and offer insight that isn’t available when you’re stuck in a shame storm. This can help you feel heard, understood and encouraged, which can provide the ability to keep moving forward.”
What Hormozi was going through however was natural and common, even if not helpful to what was needed for the situation.
“When we’re in a defensive or self-critical state, our brain is wired for protection, not perspective,” explains Brandi Oldham, a certified career and leadership coach and the founder at Talent Career Coaching.
“A mentor or coach helps interrupt that cycle,” she adds. “They hold up a mirror and reflect what we can’t see at the moment. They help us return to a more grounded, problem-solving mindset.”
People who have suffered an unexpected setback have to work their way out of it yet it doesn’t always have to be a solo expedition.
“Having someone outside the situation allows us to move from shame to strategy faster,” Oldham says.
“Instead of looping in ‘I can’t believe I did that,’ a mentor helps you ask, ‘What can I learn from this and what can I do next?’ That shift in focus, from self-judgment to self-leadership, is where resilience begins.”
If the objective is to not spend too much, if any time, in the “mental torture chamber” that Hormozi experienced and discussed, there is a way to navigate by or through it.
“We all have that inner voice that loves to replay our mistakes on a loop,” Oldham says. “The goal isn’t to silence it, it’s to notice when it’s running the show. When you catch yourself spiraling, try asking, ‘What would move me forward right now?’”
She crystalizes the reasoning behind that question and the rest of the process.
“The sooner you interrupt the shame spiral, the sooner your brain gets back to problem-solving,” Oldham says. “Resilience isn’t about never feeling defensive or disappointed; it’s about shortening the distance between the setback and the self-awareness.
“When we can spot that gap and bridge it faster, our confidence and performance both rise,” she says.
I always say life isn’t about perfection.
We should note where we get stuck, accept support, and moving forward intentionally. That change from shame to strategy is often transformative.
How are you doing Michael?
Happy Monday!