Learning What Was Behind Situational Communication Timidity
Social conditioning can lead to us being unaware of what's developing in us
Our communication beliefs and approach can be affected in powerful ways that we don’t even realize. Maybe we never learn why. Sometimes, we might, as one leader discovered years later.
Chris L. Johnson is a mental fitness coach, founder and CEO at Chris Johnson Hoops, aka, JusHoop. In an interview, he told a story of an experience that planted a seed in his mind about his socially-conditioned response to communicating.
"When I was in high school, my 9th grade math teacher, she was talking (with my family) about (how) I never ask questions. 'Like, Chris is sharp, he just never asks questions. But I watch him on the basketball court, ‘he doesn't stop talking,’” Johnson said.
“So my grandparents and my mom are sitting there and they're looking at me the whole time. (The teacher) gets up, leaves. (My mom says) 'Boy, you don't ask questions, (criticism)?' I didn't know the answer.
“Fast forward, raising my kids, a couple of years ago, I figured out the answer.”
It was illuminating to him what he observed and came to understand.
"Anytime (as a child) I asked a question, anything in their household, (they) said, 'boy, I'll knock your teeth out your mouth,’” he explained.
“So think about the contradiction in being raised not to ask questions. But then (teachers) are asking, 'why you're not asking questions in school?’" Johnson explained.
The adults in Johnson’s family didn't create a psychologically-safe environment for curiosity and communication. They didn’t make room for it with their angry responses as forms of impatience, rejection and intimidation, to inspire fear, silence and compliance.
Three people talk about this topic in an professional environment context.
“We can easily identify past encounters which have diminished our self-assurance when communicating with others,” says Doug Crawford, the founder at Best Trade Schools. “Some past interactions might have involved others who brushed aside our ideas or termed our value as insignificant.
“These experiences embed themselves in our memory making us doubt our ability in the future. We will become more cautious in next conversations because we worry that talking will result in more rejection or arguments.”
The psychology has been formed that affects our interaction with others, at least in certain situations.
“The concern about ending up ridiculed enables our fearful beliefs to escalate each time we permit the fear to guide our speaking habits,” Crawford says.
“I used to work in a media company in the IT department and I remember picking up the phone to speak to our suppliers,” says Allan Rowland, the founder at LiveUP Media — Video Production Company. “I would look around the open-space office being terrified of making the call. ‘What if I say the wrong thing, what if I don't know the answer, what if I look stupid?’ I thought everyone was listening to me, I thought everyone was judging me.
“I found it difficult to leave voicemails if the person I was calling didn't answer in front of every one. I remember my boss coming around my table and saying ‘didn't you leave a voicemail then?’
“Colleagues would do quarterly show-and-tells of their latest projects across departments, I never opted to showcase any of the fantastic work that we were doing because of fear of public speaking and making a fool of myself.”
One leader speaks to the point from a different angle, that of being the one who may make others feel uncertain as to how to communicate.
“I’m someone who likes to move at a very fast pace. Once I get going, I just want to go, go, go — get things done,” says Nikita Khandheria, founder and CEO at Eria Food.
“I currently have about 180 employees reporting directly to me, and while I was in university, I was managing all of this simultaneously. My plan was really just to skip ahead whenever possible.
“At the time, I thought this approach was efficient, but in reality, it was detrimental.”
She elaborates:
“I wasn’t getting to know anyone and I wasn’t engaging in small talk. Everyone knew that if they approached me, they had to have a list of questions ready, already thought through, because otherwise, in the nicest way possible, I wasn’t interested,” Khandheria remembers.
“I wouldn’t embarrass them, but I’d make it clear that if you already know the answer, why are you asking me? If you just need approval, then make your case and move on.”
This became problematic and came to a head.
“This led to situations where people with more experience than me would say, ‘We’d love to work with you, but respect and rapport matter too,’” Khandheria says.
That wasn’t her intent.
“I didn’t always take the time to build relationships. When you’re in leadership, you have to balance efficiency with connection.”
Learning how to communicate more effectively with ourselves through our self talk, especially with people or situations that we find intimidating to be more confident and assertive in our communication is important.
“A new perspective about our worth gets us moving forward from such situations,” Crawford says. “Past engagement with people does not determine either our value as a person nor how much we contribute today.”
What needs to get done eventually must stay top of mind.
“Focus on your mission, focus on what you're actually trying to achieve,” Rowland says. “Go into yourself and realize the ‘why’ you are doing things. Once you have that, you'll never be afraid to tell people what your mission is again.”
As a leader, realize that people have emotions and needs within communication.
”You need to communicate in a way that moves things forward while still giving space for conversations that matter,” Khandheria has learned. “Looking back, I realize that my rapid pace slowed down overall progress because I wasn’t fostering an environment where communication could flow naturally.”
Final Recommendations
“The foundation of confidence begins by understanding our personal value, adding to different situations, regardless of the initial discomfort,” Crawford says.
“Positive self-talk provides a way for us to develop confidence because we tell ourselves that our ideas maintain important value in any situation.
“During uncertain situations, we should practice active listening first to control the situation before we respond. By implementing this approach, the discussion transitions toward a friendly collaborative model.”
From a leadership perspective, it’s to slow down, be at least a little more patient and realize the importance on different levels of the moment.
“One of the biggest mindset changes I made,” Khandheria says, “was reminding myself: They’re in this conversation with me for a reason. If they didn’t care about my perspective, they wouldn’t be here.
“That reminder stopped me from overthinking. Confidence isn’t about being the loudest voice in the room; it’s about knowing that what you have to say is worth being heard.”
Framing fear and anxiety a different way is helpful.
“When you’re facing someone intimidating, you have two choices: you either speak up now or you walk away regretting that you didn’t,” Khandheria says.
Practicing may be beneficial as an antidote to timidity, Rowland says.
“Prepare through role plays, through socializing with friends and colleagues or new acquaintances through industry groups, attend events: It's through having conversations and debates with your peers about topics that will exercise your brain and your communication skills that will prepare you to be well versed, robust and confident,” he asserts.
“Practice speaking, practice going to (areas of conversation) places that you haven't rehearsed see how you solve those problems as they arise and you'll build more confidence.”
“Practice making mistakes and recovering,” Rowland adds.
“You'll soon realize that it's okay to fail, it's okay to start again, it's okay to make mistakes, it's okay not to be perfect. Stop.... to pause..... to take a breath; to slow down, to be vulnerable and to start again.
“Those were the things that tripped me up in the past, thinking that my whole world would stop if I didn't know what to say and everyone would look at me thinking I'm a failure. That's simply not a reality anymore for me.”
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