Learning What Specifically Will Help Someone Feel Like They 'Won' With You
Stronger trust and better mutual outcomes
"Do I really understand what constitutes a 'win' for the other party."
This wise thinking is not sufficiently commonplace in society when it comes to professional and personal interactions. What can be learned from it though? And why should we — and why do we need to — be curious about ask ourselves this question if we want or need to gain trust and agreement or merely, truly help someone in need?
“Setting up other people to win is both a negotiating tool and a lifestyle tool,” says Kimberly Best, a mediator, arbitrator and the owner of Best Conflict Solutions.
It takes a roadmap and directions to get there.
“This requires empathy, curiosity and a desire to have positive outcomes for all parties,” Best explains, adding what this practice communicates to people.
“It demonstrates respect, by seeing the other party as unique from us with needs different than ours,” she says, teaching, “It helps us grow as a person, to treat people with such respect. It also sets up potential for abject honesty, transparency and vulnerability.”
It’s important to know that, “Speaking (their) needs is incredibly difficult for many,” Best says. “Genuinely wanting that and making a space where it’s safe to voice those needs is a path to true intimacy and connection.”
People may not always realize that their own well-being often requires the permission, agreeableness, trust and help of others.
“As people and in business, we need relationships, to make up for what we lack so we can grow. When we focus on what our counterparts need and want, we are more likely to come up with creative solutions that are of mutual benefit,” says Christine McKay, founder and CEO of Venn Negotiation — which serves small and mid-sized businesses — and an international speaker and author of, "Why Not Ask? A Conversation about Getting More."
We may be able to train our brain to reliably, consistently focus on this type of question — what will constitute a win for someone (them) — in our interactions.
“We need repetition and positive feedback,” Best says.
“It’s helpful to have a conversation with the person in negotiation to let them know that you want a win-win and you value a best outcome for them too,” she advises.
“Ask for clarification and feedback on your process, so you can see if the person is experiencing this winning effort from you. Most importantly, listen and ask questions: ‘What does winning look like? What would it take to get there? What would be the cost? Are there any unintended consequences? How will you re-negotiate if that’s not effective?’”
You have to come to better know — much better know them — if you are to be of valuable, welcomed assistance.
“Be curious about your counterpart and why they are engaging in a conversation,” McKay recommends. “Negotiations happen because both parties want something the other can provide. Prepare by researching, gathering data and formulating hypotheses, yet remain open to being proven wrong to discover the truth.
“Let your counterpart talk, ask questions when appropriate and listen actively to the response. Listening is a full-body experience, so pay attention and be curious about what they say and how they say it. Embrace silence, allow it to encourage your counterpart to share more, revealing what they want.”
This can be developed to become a person’s default thinking. If anyone can come to wonder and pursue learning what other people really want or feel they need and see if they can satisfy it and not focus on suboptimal offerings or giving what we want to give instead.
“In the absence of knowing (certainty), our brains are hardwired to make up a story,” Best says. “The problem is, there are an unlimited number of stories and our chances of guessing right are slim to none. If we ask instead and develop a mindset of wanting the other party to win (do well in their minds), we not only make life easier and help other people meet their needs, we also develop trust and intimacy by demonstrating that I want for you what you need, instead of what I think is best for you.”
This might require more effort than people plan or wish to invest.
“We may find more short-term work clarifying the need, though long-term less work,” Best teaches, focusing on the high point, an invaluable one: “We get to get it right.”
What’s also appealing about that, she asserts, is less emotional negativity.
“We won’t have the frustration and disappointment of working hard, doing the wrong thing and the other person not appreciating and responding the way we need them too,” Best says. “Setting others up to win turns out to be a win.”
“If we consider more what other people want and need, we will be able to forge longer lasting and more valuable relationships and partnerships,” McKay states. “By operating from an abundance mindset, rather than being miserly with what we have, we can create value for ourselves and counterparts.”
Communication Intelligence, the Newsletter is an accompanying publication of Communication Intelligence magazine.
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