Learning From and Working Past Our Communication That Hurt People
What we learn, prevention recommendations and helpful responsive actions
Unintentional hurtful words are going to happen. Intentionally offensive communication is going to get expressed. Pain is felt and conflicts can evolve.
"... sometimes, words can lead to distrust, harbored resentment and even an irreparable rift... "
What now and what can be learned from the impact of our words that caused harm?
“Words carry energy,” says Seth Eisenberg, the president at the PAIRS Foundation, which teaches practical skills for successful relationships, “and when spoken in anger, they often cut deeply.
“We tend to learn that once words are spoken, especially hurtful ones, they cannot be unsaid. This leads to a deep awareness of their lasting impact, like seeds planted that can grow into distrust or emotional distance.”
That awareness may not instantly develop because of the intensity of our emotions.
“In the heat of the moment we may not care but later we realize that words shape relationships, for better or worse,” Eisenberg says. “People remember words spoken in anger because they pierce, often creating wounds that take time to heal or may never fully close.”
What’s lost or maybe better said, forfeited, is important to always be top of mind.
“Careless words can corrode trust, altering the foundations of our relationships,” says Kristie Tse, a psychotherapist and the founder at Uncover Mental Health Counseling. “They can create lasting wounds and barriers that require much patience and effort to heal. Words have the power to change perceptions and anchor damaging beliefs about one's worth.”
If people pay attention, benefits can become apparent.
“Reflecting on these instances teaches the value of mindful communication, highlighting the weight of words as tools that can either build or destroy connections,” Tse says.
Prevention is a mindset and commitment to consider so as to not end up in an unwanted, uncomfortable or painful situation.
“One key is developing awareness and self-regulation,” Eisenberg says.
He elaborates about how emotions can drive behaviors that don’t help in interactions.
“Anger often stems from unmet needs or unspoken feelings,” Eisenberg states. “Rather than immediately reacting, we can learn to pause and reflect on what’s really going on inside us. Is the anger masking hurt, fear or frustration?”
He explains why this practice and habit is better.
“By identifying those feelings, we can then express our needs more productively without directing blame or hurt at the other person,” Eisenberg suggests. “Also, learning to listen to our internal dialogue and addressing our emotions constructively before speaking allows us to avoid causing harm and regret.”
“Pausing before reacting, I assess my emotions and their triggers,” Tse says, “which allows me to respond from a place of clarity rather than hurt.”
Prevention is additionally aided with our ears and an effort to think thoughtfully.
“Practicing active listening and considering the other person's perspective helps me communicate constructively,” Tse says. “In tense situations, I find creating space for cooling off essential before revisiting the conversation with a calmer, open mindset.”
Steps to learn to “do right” by people and healing the pained feelings and psychology can be a difficult road yet there are pathways, ones on which Eisenberg and Tse agree.
“Making amends starts with acknowledging the hurt we’ve caused — owning our part fully,” Eisenberg says. “It’s important to approach the person with sincerity and vulnerability, offering a heartfelt apology.
“Beyond saying ‘I’m sorry,’ true amends includes asking the other person how they felt, understanding their experience and being willing to listen without defending ourselves.”
Tse reiterates it.
“To effectively make amends and heal the pain caused by hurtful words, sincere acknowledgment is crucial,” she says. “I start by recognizing the specific words and actions that caused harm and expressing genuine regret without making excuses.
“It's important to validate the other person's feelings and ask how you can make amends in a way that respects their needs.”
Communication errors are costly. Working through the hardship they cause anyone is not usually a response one wants to undertake. Yet whether it be wanting to be a person of healthy character or valuing a relationship, professional or personal, there are final reminders.
“Actions that show we are willing to grow and change, as well as follow-up behaviors that rebuild trust, are essential for repair and reconciliation,” Eisenberg states.
“Openly communicating a commitment to change and demonstrating consistent effort over time helps rebuild trust,” Tse asserts. “Sometimes, seeking a mediator or therapist for guidance can also facilitate the healing process effectively.”
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