Leaders Can 'Kill' People's Confidence
How team members can respond when feeling beat down and what authority can do better to help their people feel strong and succeed
There are leaders who can severely damage the confidence, professional development and productivity of a a talented and skilled yet unrefined team member.
In a recent video clip online, one well-known person in his profession (Rasheed Wallace), now retired, said that certain leaders that he observed in his career could actually “kill” a person’s spirit and confidence and that person, once valued, went from “sugar to (expletive)” in how they were perceived and judged.
Does a person in authority and power intentionally set out to do it? In some cases, that’s believable. Yet that isn’t a conscious goal and a plan that is carried out with intent in most circumstances.
That doesn’t mean that the impact and outcome still isn’t the same and a professional, especially a younger one without established career success, doesn’t now badly doubt themselves or retreat emotionally, contributing to the judgment of unsatisfactory performance and potential that is going unreached.
Most people require support and encouragement. Not caring about their confidence can impact the need for developing talent and building a successful team.
“It’s super easy for leaders to crush someone’s spirit without even trying,” stresses Amy Spurling, founder and CEO of employee benefits platform Compt. “When you’re all about the wins and not the people getting you there, you might overlook how you’re actually coming across.
“Some leaders are so focused on what isn’t perfect yet that they forget to notice what’s already brilliant. That can really mess with someone who’s just starting to find their groove.”
There are some people can be emotionally paralyzed by too-sharp of — or excessive — criticism.
“If we come down too hard on those talented but still green team members, we risk shattering their confidence before they've had a chance to really blossom,” says L'Taundra Everhart, M.Ed, founder of BYG! Mixed Greens For The Soul, LLC., a wellness company offering products and services to enhance a person’s self-care journey
“We've got to be careful with our words and approach when guiding these rising stars.”
It’s a point on which Kirsten Moorefield, the co-founder and COO of Cloverleaf, an Automated Coaching company, agrees.
Confidence can be negatively impacted when a “a one-size-fits-all approach” is the default management process implemented, leading to some team members feeling “overwhelmed by harsh feedback, leading to self-doubt and disengagement.”
Remembering that the organization chose to hire a professional based on trust can be difficult to keep in mind in the moment.
“Building a successful team that wins requires engagement of all team members, even those yet unproven-but-talented team members. Isn’t that why you hired them, to add value to your team?” says Cheryl L. Mason, J.D., a TEDx speaker and the CEO of Catalyst Leadership Management.
“Often, leaders make the mistake of going to their go-to team members, especially if they view the project as a must-win or high visibility and they sideline the unproven team members. This action signals to the unproven team members that they are not real team members. If it continues to happen, these team members will begin to believe they don’t have what is needed.”
Mason shares a story from her experiences and how it affected her.
“This happened to me when I was promoted to new team,” says Mason, who is the first woman to serve as the CEO and Chairman of the VA Board of Veterans' Appeals.
“I was supposed to have responsibility to lead a new project but leadership put a more senior person in charge of it and did not engage me,” she remembers. “At first, I thought it was a mentoring role so I could learn but it quickly became clear my input was not valued or wanted. It kept happening and I felt frustrated but also worried that the leaders didn’t believe in me.”
“A focus on perfection without regard for the feelings of others can sometimes be an issue down the road,” warns Kim Butler, a SEO Strategist with Online Optimism, a digital marketing agency. “I have personally been in situations with managers with almost zero people skills who can break their subordinates down, leading to some leaving the company altogether.”
“In the intense environment of creating a strong team, sometimes we pay too much attention to quick outcomes and overlook how important growth and development are,” says Erik Severinghaus, the founder and CEO of Bloomfilter, an AI-driven process mining for software development company.
“I have observed it myself. When leaders focus only on results, they can accidentally lower the confidence of their team members, particularly those still learning and improving.”
He provides an analogy to illustrate.
“It's similar to climbing a mountain,” says Severinghaus, who has climbed Mt. Everest. “If you think just about getting to the top, you may miss noticing important steps required for the climb. Harsh criticism or unrealistic expectations can lead to self-doubt and disengagement among talented individuals.”
“Leaders can inadvertently break the confidence when they ignore team members' ideas or contributions without giving them enough thought,” says Stephen Greet, CEO and co-founder of BeamJobs, which aids professionals in crafting compelling resumes and advancing their careers.
“It can make those people feel unappreciated. This can happen if a boss rejects ideas too quickly, doesn't pay attention to explanations or doesn't seem to care about what employees have to say. If employees' ideas are ignored over and over, they might start to doubt their own worth and skills. This can seriously hurt their confidence over time.”
"Let's be clear,” begins Katie Devoe, the CEO at CBD Nationwide. “Building a high-performing team requires a delicate touch, particularly when shaping less experienced, yet potentially brilliant team members.”
Her points echo Severinghaus’ point of view.
“It's easy to prioritize immediate results over individual development and, without meaning to, snuff out the creative spark altogether.”
Devoe also knows this from experience.
“I'll admit, this is a lesson I learned firsthand. In the early days of my manufacturing company, I was laser-focused on optimizing every aspect of production. I wanted things lean, mean and profitable!” she says.
“We were on the verge of launching a new functional gummy line and one of my junior chemists pitched a wildly-innovative formulation method. Now, while the idea had merit, it also presented significant scaling challenges, which I maybe — okay, definitely— jumped (negatively) on a little too quickly.”
Devoe talks positively about a normally respected and admired character trait yet doesn’t use it as an excuse as many people do so, as a defense mechanism.
“I was passionate, sure, but my intensity made her retreat into herself,” she says.
It was a hard lesson learned with consequences, struggle and time required to make the relationship “right.”
“After that, it took conscious effort to regain her trust,” Devoe recalls and confesses. “It was a clear step backwards for our launch.”
She paid attention though and intelligently learned from the unwanted outcome.
“That experience was a wakeup call,” Devoe says. “Now, I approach team development with a bit more finesse.
“Yes, we prioritize efficient workflow and, of course, profitability is essential. But I never underestimate the power of thoughtfully nurturing a fledgling idea and that means fostering an environment of open communication where 'not there yet' is recognized as a stage of growth, not a setback.”
She explains how she puts it into practice today.
“Recently while I was conducting a performance review, I specifically chose to reframe a team member’s area for growth by saying, ‘John hasn't fully integrated the new software yet,’ emphasizing that mastery takes time.
“It's a subtle shift from pinpointing shortcomings to acknowledging a continuous journey of evolution. This shift has significantly improved my relationships with my employees,” Devoe details.
A lack of confidence, most people will say, leads to a high-level of doubt and going into a shell emotionally and strategically.
That’s problematic for the individual, team and organization.
“There are ways to stay positive and focused. First, celebrate those ‘small’ wins and recognize your strengths,” Everhart recommends. “Seek out feedback but don't beat yourself up over it. Use it as a chance to grow.”
She advises her clients on how to catalogue their successes.
“I recommend keeping a victory journal,” Everhart says, “where they simply jot down their accomplishments, no matter how minor they seem. They can refer back to it when feeling down.”
Internalizing the criticism is natural yet in most cases, not helpful to mental health and professional development.
“First off, don’t take it personally, which is way easier said than done,” Spurling offers as a reminder and reality. “It’s crucial to remember that feedback, even when it’s delivered with a sledgehammer, is not a reflection of your worth. The person giving the feedback might need to try a new approach but that's not on you.”
To combat feeling hurt and not being as confident, she offers advisory.
“Get yourself a solid support network, mentors, or even peers who can offer you perspective and a confidence boost when you need it. And hey, don’t be shy about celebrating your own wins. Sometimes you’ve got to be your own hype person.”
Mason talks about what she did in her own battle of feeling doubted.
“I asked a couple of colleagues for advice. They began to bring me into conversations in front of the leadership team to demonstrate my skills,” she says. “In one instance, I suggested a different approach. The chief executive started asking me questions about this approach and I had the answers. The next day, I was the lead on that project.
“Sometimes, you have to reach out to colleagues or leadership for advice or suggestions and clarify how they see your role with them.
“Other times, you need to take a risk and step up with a suggestion. I have found that some workplace cultures wait for you to show your value. Remember that you matter and were hired for your skills and abilities.”
When overwhelm is being felt, being bold in following up with leadership or trusted people within the organization can be the assistance many people want.
“If feedback feels deflating, ask for examples or suggestions on how to improve,” Moorefield suggests. “Building a support network within the team can also help, as peer feedback and encouragement are invaluable.”
Working constantly on what you need to become better at is going to help.
“Improving your skills and knowledge all the time is important for boosting your confidence,” Greet asserts. “It makes team members feel like they are growing and getting better when they actively look for training opportunities, take classes, read books and articles in their field, and find other ways to improve their skills.
“Personal development helps them remember why they want to get better and makes them feel proud of their skills again, which makes them less likely to give up when things go wrong.”
It is useful to ask how can leaders lessen the risk of hurting or burying people with too harsh of an approach and communicating in a manner to build up confidence and subsequently, desired performance.
“It's our job to nurture and guide our team, not tear them down,” Everhart says.
“We've got to ditch the harsh criticism and focus on offering constructive feedback with empathy and respect. It takes a high emotional intelligence to do this.
“I think the key is to push teams to be their best while also building up their confidence and self-belief. With some conscious effort and creative techniques, we can create a culture of growth and trust.
Everhart offers a short list of how to build up a leader’s team.
“Find ways to recognize their hard work, provide coaching and mentorship, create an open, supportive environment and try the ‘three positives’ exercise: Before giving feedback, list three specific things the person did well. This sets a positive tone and shows you recognize their efforts,” she declares.
While corrections have to be made and expectations should be high, that’s not all that’s necessary.
“It’s all about balance,” Spurling says. “You’ve got to cheer as loudly as you critique and make sure those critiques are warranted, fair, and delivered thoughtfully.
“Make it a point to catch people doing something right and tell them. And when it’s time to point out what can be better, frame it like you’re in it together: ‘Here’s what we can work on to do even better next time.’
“Always tie the feedback to their goals and aspirations and make sure they know you believe they can reach them.
“It’s not just about fixing what’s wrong; it’s about pushing everyone to their best selves and giving them the tools to do so.”
It can be valuable to more deeply understand the people that you’re trying to assist develop. Moorefield says to learn a team member’s personal relationship preference.
“Some need a personal relationship with their leader for psychological safety, while others prefer a professional, task-focused approach,” she says.
“If this sounds complicated, it is. People are complicated.
“Tools like behavioral assessments (i.e. DISC) or Automated Coaching simplify understanding these preferences, allowing for more personalized and effective leadership that truly builds up young talent.”
Butler is another person that advocates for understanding your people as humans.
“It takes a good leader to learn their direct reports, how they communicate and how to provide constructive feedback, as well as motivate them to push themselves beyond their comfort zone.”
A leader may not realize that they can be strong and kind, Severinghaus says.
“Trying to create a successful team can sometimes cause very strict actions,” he says, “but it is important to balance this with help and positive advice.”
He explains how this can look in practice:
“Give Balanced Feedback: Make sure feedback includes both good points and things to work on. This balanced way helps team members see what they are doing well while knowing areas needing improvement.
“Encourage Open Dialogue: Make an atmosphere where team members feel safe to share their worries and ideas. Regular check-ins and letting them know your door always open can help a lot.
“Invest in Development: Give chances for professional improvement by offering training programs, workshops and mentorship. Doing this shows you care about their long-term achievements.
“Recognize Effort and Progress: Celebrate when goals are reached and hard work is done. Notice the progress made because it shows how important trying hard and being dedicated is. I have seen that noting even small successes can lift the spirits and drive of everyone on the team.”
Investment in additional resources isn’t always possible and yes, sometimes the deliverable doesn’t meet expectations. Yet it’s still vital to help leaders lead and team members be able to keep and grow confidence.
“Great leaders put money into the professional growth of their team,” Greet says. “This can be done by giving training, using senior team members as mentors and setting up growth opportunities like stretch assignments.
“When people on a team know that their leader wants to help them learn new things, it makes them want to keep learning and getting better. People are encouraged and supported to take risks and work toward difficult goals, which leads to better performance overall.”
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