Improved Relational Outcomes: How Are We Listening to Learn
Our listening approaches largely determine what's going to develop
We all think we’re listening skillfully so the question isn’t whether we are or not; it’s what specifically are we listening for and how well are we doing it for better outcomes?
Lesley Worthington of Lesley Worthington Coaching and Consulting recently sent an email blast about it and it was thought provoking and worthy of a conversation about what we are giving up by not listening as well as we believe and what can be gained by doing so better.
“When you’re listening to someone, how intentional are you,” Worthington asked. This was somewhat vague and confusing. I couldn’t reply in that state of mind, at least not intelligently, yet she quickly clarified to connect the dots:
Have you ever listened for emotions?
Or for ways to help?
Or for your impact?
Or for how the other person can help you?
Or to discover someone’s communication style?
Listened for doubt?
Listened to hear yourself in the silence?
Anyone else here who can honestly say, like me, that they haven’t always listened in all these ways, in all circumstances, to a level of competency? If you said “yes” you’re not alone, I suspect. Most of us aren’t that excellent, at least not consistently.
What Worthington describes requires extra curiosity, patience and “noticing.”
For different reasons, we either don’t do it or don’t want to give what it takes. It’s important to know that can be an costly deficiency because we’re missing out on valuable connection and insights.
There’s a big opportunity in listening with more effort.
”Just as we have different communication approaches for different situations and people,” Worthington wrote, “we can use different types of listening for different purposes and in different situations.”
Most of the time we’re outcome based when listening and if that’s what is most important to us, then what is being suggested above could be a catalyst for more of what we want and less of what we don’t because, “Awareness and flexibility in terms of ‘how to listen’ could really impact what happens next in our conversations and in our relationships,” Worthington wisely wrote.
There is value in devoting focus, knowing what is important to listen for in a particular situation with a specific someone, paying close attention and “seeing” and “hearing” all that is being communicated. When we don’t know how to listen in alignment with the moment, a lot can be lost.
“We're sacrificing the chance to actually meet another human being and be met back,” says Kira Hayes, a relational life therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist, who specializes in emotional communication, relational attunement and practice of conscious listening as a foundation for significant connection.
“When we default to reactive, self-focused listening, we forfeit access to the relational field that exists between us. We lose what is really being asked under the words: reassurance, permission, challenge or care.”
We may not be aware of what is being bypassed in the moment.
“In RLT, we view this as a lost opportunity to go from out of control to connected,” Hayes says, “and the prices are often subtle but costly: mis-attunement, defensiveness or emotional isolation.”
Listening can be more difficult at times, for different reasons, and it's an important skill to improve, as Worthington pointed out.
“This is the key to all relational healing work,” Hayes says. “Listening for affect means keeping track of what's being communicated, as well as how it's being communicated and what's attempting to be communicated.
“It's how we become attuned to the undercurrent.”
“‘You sound angry, but perhaps you also feel isolated under that,’” she says as an example. That, “generates intimacy, not performance.”
Or heard for how to help?
“With caution,” Hayes warns. “Many people, especially those with boundary-less tendencies, listen only for ways to help and bypass the actual emotional moment.”
There is a higher-skilled approach.
“Helpful listening should start with presence — not problem-solving — unless explicitly invited,” she recommends. “Otherwise, you’re rescuing instead of relating.”
Or listened for your impact?
“This is one of the principles of relational responsibility,” Hayes says. “When somebody is talking, I am listening for the echo: ‘How am I landing with them right now?’
“It's a practice of humility and self-awareness, particularly if I've wounded them.”
Or listened for how the other person can assist you?
“This one gets left behind,” Hayes points out. “We tend to collapse into over-control or self-sacrifice but in healthy connection, we get to hear for what we need, too.”
There is an example of an assertive comment to satisfy a need.
"‘Can I ask you to slow down a bit?’ is a practice of relational self-advocacy that starts with listening to your own edges in the moment.”
Or listened to learn about someone's style of communicating?
“I listen for the manner in which one defends, invites, softens or evades,” Hayes says.
She explains her “why” behind this focused attention.
“It guides me how to speak with them in a manner they can learn. That's important in therapy and in ordinary relationships too,” Hayes says. “It's not manipulative; it's ease.”
Or heard for doubt?
“Doubt is letting me know that there's some internal conflict to be held close in tender care,” Hayes says. “It's typically where the real part of them is just waiting to be heard.”
Or heard to hear yourself in the quiet?
“Silence in talking is where we meet ourselves, our fears, our discomfort, our need to fill space. If you can sit in silence and still feel the connection, you're in deep relational trust,” Hayes explains.
“The ones that resonate with me most are listening for impact, emotion and doubt,” she adds, “because those are where most ruptures happen and where the deepest repair begins.”
Worthington’s point about approaches, "Just as we have different communication styles for different circumstances and individuals, we can apply different modes of listening for different reasons and in different contexts,” is vital to remember.
“This quote nails it. Listening is not a universal skill, it's relational intelligence at work,” Hayes says. “The moment you understand that your listening pattern affects outcomes, you are powerful enough to opt for connection rather than reactivity. That's power. That's leadership. That's love with intention.”
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Listening for my own impact isn’t something I consciously practiced until recently, and even then, only when something went wrong. But framing it as a relational responsibility, as Hayes described, changes it from guilt to growth. That’s something I need to be more intentional about.
Happy Tuesday, Michael :)