How to Open Up Closed Communication
The insights, curiosity, calm and approach to better reconnect
Communication comes to halt, not necessarily because of immoral actions on the behalf of anyone. Emotions, feelings and hardened conclusions drive the decision to shut down interactions.
In some of these situations, communication won’t happen again.
Yet, in some professional or personal relationships of any kind, this may be just be a hard part in the road. Opening up closed communication can be arduous work yet there usually is opportunity for progress and reconnection to some improved degree.
“In order to open closed communication, we have to first understand why it was closed in the first place,” says Kim Rippy, a licensed professional counselor, trauma anxiety specialist treating complex trauma and the owner at Keystone Therapy Group.
“Typically, this means asking questions and truly listening to the other person for the purpose of fully understanding them and their experiences, and not to argue or form a rebuttal,” she adds. “Ask open-ended questions and lean in with relentless empathy for the other person, even if their words hurt your feelings. First, just understand.”
Understanding ourselves is a foundational part of the solution.
“This topic is near and dear to my heart, after many years of getting it wrong — and then right,” says Allison Minutillo, a strategic marketing executive, organizational consultant and founder and CEO at Maestra.
“First and foremost, you need to control your own reactions,” she pointedly says. “Before you can ever expect to make amends or work through a difficult conversation, work on yourself. This is the hardest, most important work you'll ever do as a leader in a professional setting.”
“After you take that deep breath or get some fresh air, now it's time to assess the situation,” Minutillo says. “Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes and look at the situation with objective context, front and center.”
She uses the strategy of reflection, a them-focus and curiosity within her mind.
“What are they motivated by? What may have triggered them? Is their behavior consistent with your experience communicating with them in the past?” Minutillo asks.
“What may you have contributed to the communications going south? Was there something you could have done differently to change the current outcome?”
This, she points out, is vital to problem solving the disconnect.
“This reflection is extremely important,” Minutillo says. “It's a honed skill that gets more effective, faster, with each time it's practiced.”
It’s more helpful to have self soothed one’s own emotions before attempting to restart closed communications.
“Once you've let go of all the upset, you're in a better position to be objective and see solutions,” explains Nance Schick, an employment attorney and workplace mediator at Third Ear Conflict Resolution and the author of DIY Conflict Resolution: Seven Choices and Five Actions of the Masters.
“Define the conflict succinctly. Then, consider your personal interests in the dispute.
“What did you want or need that you didn't get? Do you still want or need it? What about the other person? What do you think they wanted or needed? Has that changed?” she recommends asking oneself.
“Could both of you still get what you want and need now?”
Schick gives a reason for the approach of directing your mind in a smarter direction.
“This shifts you from thinking about the past, what went wrong and who is to blame, which allows you to focus on the future and potential solutions,” she explains.
What Next, Though?
From this point on the map, even more patience is required, along with a willingness and commitment to pay close attention, even if we don’t agree with what is communicated.
“Listen, reflect what you've heard and sit in relentless empathy for the other person,” Rippy recommends, because, “This allows them to feel heard and provide empathy for you as well.”
She provides an example to further illustrate.
“If I'm in an argument with a friend and he says something hurtful to me, I might typically get angry back or retreat from the argument because I'm focused on how I'm feeling hurt,” Rippy says.
“Using relentless empathy, I'm committed to using empathy throughout the interaction, especially when it's hard because I'm emotionally elevated.”
This isn’t easy emotionally or in practice. Rippy details how it can work.
“I take a step back from feeling hurt myself to try to understand what he is feeling so I can respond more effectively,” she explains and advises.
“He says something hurtful, I recognize I'm feeling hurt and pause my response, I practice relentless empathy and recognize he's responding that way because he's feeling rejection from me,” Rippy says “I react in a more assuring way towards him rather than defensively when (before) I was focused on my own emotional experience.
“This shifts the interaction from an argument back to a conversation, which is more likely to have a healthy outcome.”
“Approach the person to ask for a calm, level-headed conversation. Make sure this is a live conversation, not through the use of technology,”” Minutillo says.
“Eliminate the snark in your tone and genuinely share your intentions for the chat: Is there a desired outcome that you wish to accomplish? Is it realistic? Do you anticipate it's what they want too?”
“Share that you wish to understand where they are coming from so that you, too, can share your point of view,” Minutillo recommends.
“This modern take on extending the olive branch is rare in 2025 and highly valued in organizations, big and small. They will likely be caught off guard by this small gesture and be more open to having a positive conversation to work through your tension.”
Schick discusses how one can suggest opening the door again, in a professional context, to communication.
“I don't like the way our conversation ended, and I would like to explore ways to improve our communication in the future. Would you be open to an exploratory conversation for that purpose?"
She stresses one point as most helpful.
“Approaching the situation with curiosity is key: Avoid monologues, blaming and shaming,” Schick advises.
“Be prepared to listen, even to comments you disagree with. Stay focused on the goal, which is to improve communication, not to justify, defend, etc. Look for common ground, distinctions and opportunities to build something new, together.”
Being Proactive or Wisely Responsive
“I have invested in two major paths to unlock my potential as a leader,” Minutillo says. ”The first is embracing Gallup's Clifton Strengths assessment. It's a beautiful take on humans. Essentially, everyone has 34 strengths, they’re just simply in a different order.”
She explains the appeal for her.
“I have always loved this concept, which teaches teams that they are not better than their peers or leaders, just different,” Minutillo says. “Through deep analysis and reflection, I'm able to quickly recognize the strengths and weaknesses of others to adapt my style after any tense period, no matter the relationship.”
For her, she found it valuable to go one step farther.
“Second, I have invested heavily in a leadership coach,” Minutillo says.
“She has helped me through some of the most difficult relationships and times in my career. This active work ‘on myself’ is the number one most important discovery that you must focus on before current closed communication is to open up.”
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