How not to Lose Every Relationship Argument
Choose the following and you'll regularly "lose" says a therapist. Here's why:
No one really wants to do poorly in communicating with a partner or within arguments yet many people’s decisions and habits assure that bad outcomes result.
This can leave their partner experiencing a myriad of emotions, usually none of them positive. What if there was a guide to teach us what not to do, a reliable list of behaviors that we learned were going to become big problems?
A therapist wrote about it and maybe, in many circumstances or at least some, we will discover how to prevent pain in our relationships, for our partners, ourselves and possibly, when relevant, family members and friends.
“If I could get in your head, I’m sure you could convince me that what you’re about to say will be the one thing that your partner needs to hear to finally understand where you’re coming from,” wrote Melissa Shaw, a therapist at Knot Counseling, a Lakewood, Colorado counseling practice.
“Unfortunately, it’s not going to work. And if you keep trying, you’re going to lose.”
She explains precisely why that setback is coming.
“When you’re in an argument, it’s easy to get so caught up in what you want to say that you forget about your partner’s needs and wants,” Shaw wrote.
But what about me? When do I matter?
“In couples therapy, I’ve seen couples do all kinds of things in a desperate attempt to get their partner to understand,” Shaw recalled. “What they don’t realize is that they might as well put noise-canceling headphones over their partner’s ears, ’cause they ain’t listening!”
Grrrr! Why do they do that!
“The way you’re trying to communicate may work for you, but it doesn’t work for your partner,” Shaw wrote. “And this might feel good for a moment… you’ve got them right where you want them. But then you realize, your partner has checked out. Shut down. Left the building. You might as well be talking to yourself.”
She had an idea to help, which is what was mentioned near the beginning of this feature.
“Learn the top ways to lose an argument… so that you can be clear about what isn’t working,” Shaw wrote.
1. Needing To Be Right
“Do you ever feel like a little attorney pops up in the middle of your arguments?” Shaw rhetorically asked? “It’s like there’s a part of you that’s convinced that if you present enough evidence, your partner will realize all their faults.”
The big problem that evolves from that, she asserts, is that “When you get into attorney mode, you stop listening and become fixated on whose view is more accurate or valid. You become fixated on proving our innocence.”
This behavior stops being about a mutual problem to solve and becomes a battle or war of competing sides, which is hardly conducive to improvement, relief and peace.
2. Telling Your Partner What They Think
“People hate to be told what they’re thinking or feeling, especially when it’s not accurate,” Shaw wrote, calling the behavior, “a losing strategy.”
“When couples assume they know what’s going on inside their partner’s head, nothing can be more misleading and disconnecting.”
Being labeled or accused of thinking or feeling a way that isn’t true is upsetting and surely to lead the argument off track and more problematic.
“Instead, try listening and asking questions about your partner’s experience,” Shaw recommended. “Listening without an agenda can open up a new world of understanding for you and your partner… It will also make you feel more connected and in sync with each other.”
Respectful, non-assumptive curiosity can be connecting. Inflammatory, false assumptions are disconnecting.
3. Cataloging
“In an attempt to give you partner context so they know what you’re talking about, it can be tempting to show them the catalog of all the things they’ve done wrong,” Shaw wrote. “You’re misleading yourself if you think that this is the path to enlightenment.”
I didn’t know there was a name for this practice. Consider me now informed.
“What this does instead is walks you and your argument straight into the weeds, which is the birthplace of defensiveness,” Shaw added.
Temptation when we’re in any sort of heightened emotion, positive and negative, can be destructive and self destructive. Cataloging may be a weapon we reach for, yet as Shaw has said, it’s going to hurt or offend the other person and will rapidly escalate the dispute or conflict or immediately end the communication you hoped would help.
There is a better way, according to Shaw.
“Stay in the present moment. Talk about what’s hurting you right now.
“Talk about what you need from your partner right now. No need to bring up the past to prove a point, unless the past is what you’re talking about. All that does is takes you and your relationship away from the very thing you’re upset about right now,” she wrote.
4. Blaming
“Blame is verbal finger-pointing and no one likes being pointed, especially when it’s done by someone they love and trust,” Shaw wrote.
“Beyond that, it’s important to understand that because blame feels so dangerous to the primitive brain, it literally activates the fight-or-flight response and turns on your partner’s reactivity. No wonder they can’t listen.”
You’ve probably witnessed and experienced this on both sides of the coin, being blamed and blaming someone else. The defensiveness can go off the rails and become sidetracked and hostile quickly.
Shaw suggested a different way of communicating.
“Talk about your experience and how you feel. Use ‘I’ statements (such as) ‘I felt hurt when you did that…’ instead of ‘you'‘ statements, (like) ‘You are so selfish…’
“The former invites your partner into a conversation while blaming pushes them away,” she wrote.
5. Retaliating
This is dangerous business, yet there are people who decide they don’t want to stop their impulsive, vengeful anger or rage.
“Do you ever feel justified in hurting your partner’s feelings because you want to hurt them as bad as they’ve hurt you? This is a form of retaliation and never works (in a committed relationship),” Shaw wrote.
“Treating your partner poorly or offending from the victim position, will never help them ‘see the light’ and will only spark defensiveness.”
This can end relationships or lead to another ugly reaction. It’s very dangerous and not us acting as our best, most impressive selves. We wouldn’t want to see this version of ourselves on reality TV or the news and we wouldn’t want people who respect and like us to see either.
6. Apologizing
“Apologizing, or should I say, apologizing too soon… can end the conversation too soon,” Shaw wrote. “When someone wants to be heard and understood, an apology can end a discussion before everything’s had a chance to come out.
“It can also make your partner feel like you just want to hurry up and get to the end and that you don’t really want to spend the time understanding them.”
In her words, doing this, will mean, “you’ll steal the show,” and not in a good way.
Her guidance is to slow down and “squeeze the lemon,” meaning, “Make sure your partner has gotten everything out that they need to get out. Ask them if they feel understood and if there’s anything else they need to talk about.””
7. Fixing The Problem
“Fixing a problem is logical,” Shaw wrote.
The big problem with that thinking and behavior?
“There’s no room for logic when someone is emotional,” she asserted.
“The next time your significant other is upset about something, don’t try to fix what’s wrong with them (or about their situation). It will only make things worse.”
Haven’t we all learned this yet, over and over and over? I think we have learned yet forget to stop doing it or aren’t disciplined to not do it.
“Instead, be supportive of their feelings by listening closely and asking questions to help them understand why they feel so strongly about an issue,” Shaw wrote.
“The more support you give them in understanding their emotions, the less likely they are to resort to yelling or name-calling as a way of expressing those emotions.”
Simple. Not easy. Doable though, with practice, focus, compassion and discipline.
8. Getting Others Involved
“Pulling other people into your relationship problems is a boundary violation through and through,” Shaw wrote. “While you might think you’re strengthening your position by enlisting others, all you’re really doing is making your partner defensive and taking the attention away from the real problem — your hurt feelings.”
This behavior can make someone, anyone, feel ganged up on and an enemy to you. How they react can range from sad or depressed to angry and dangerous.
“Even if other people agree or have said something about your partner, you won’t get your way by bringing this up,” Shaw warned.
9. Appeasing
“This is when you try and win a battle by giving in to your counterpart just to be done with an argument,” Shaw explained.
“While this may end up buying you some time, you’ll build resentment in yourself, because you’re holding in your true feelings, and resentment in your partner, because they can sense that you’re withholding something from them.”
This can be a dangerous road, depending on the trust level you have with the other person. Appeasing is often done when their is a power imbalance, real or perceived.
Yet when the power is equal or close to it, it occasionally may be helpful, if it goes both ways. If it’s one sided, that has an expiration date as to tolerated behavior.
10. Using Absolutes
“While absolutes like ‘always’ and ‘never’ might seem more convincing, they aren’t likely to build consensus,” Shaw wrote.
That’s because, she added, “When you use absolutes in an argument, you discount everything your partner has ever done right or any possibility that he or she could have a different opinion on a particular topic.”
Shaw has witnessed up close and personal what happens when a partner or both of them do this to each other.
“When I see couples in marriage counseling use absolutes, I can instantly see their partner trail off in defensiveness,” she wrote.
What’s happening emotionally and psychologically, Shaw points out, is not going to prove helpful to your points and what you would rather become the norm.
“If you use absolutes in your arguments, your partner is going to hear that you only care about what they’ve done wrong. While it may seem fair to prove a point, it will destroy any trust or possibility of healthy debate,” she warned.
If venting or causing the other person pain is the urge then maybe this is a stress-relieving approach, just not the best one. If a better outcome is desired and more reliable, helpful communication is the goal, absolutes won't get a person to where they want to go.
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