Helpful Response to Loneliness: Maybe
What can work well and when
Could it be that friends may only need eight minutes of time with each other to feel less alone in a moment of stress and need? That’s what one human skills expert learned from a friend who had shared what she read in an article and thus, learned.
Simon Sinek, a speaker on leadership and communication, told a story in an interview about his relationship with a female friend and how she had been cryptic about a need for his time, attention and support after a “really hard week.”
He didn’t pick up on the bid for him to contact her. When Sinek discovered his friend’s need, he said he felt emotional because he didn’t know and Sinek wished that he had because if he did, he would have certainly been there for her.
They decided to make sure that didn’t happen again so they created a plan.
“So she and I came up with a code word that the next time one of us really needs the other person, our code would be, ‘Do you have eight minutes?’” he said.
“You won't solve all problems,” Sinek admitted, “but you will help them feel, with whatever they’re dealing with, not alone.”
“For pre-existing relationships, this is right,” says Jordan Conrad, a psychotherapist and the founder and clinical director of Madison Park Psychotherapy.
“The vast majority of our lives are spent preoccupied in our own thoughts and with our own projects and that becomes most starkly evident to us when we need someone else's attention.”
The time allotment that Sinek mentioned may not sound significant yet it can prove to be in specific types of relationships. Conrad says.
“Eight minutes of focused attention by another person is a lot,” he points out. “It’s right that it won't solve your problems and it will make you feel not alone but that really relies on it being a pre-existing, and perhaps longstanding, friendship.”
He provides an example to elaborate.
“If you know that you are going to see your friend later that week and you'll get to unpack things more, or that your friend will follow-up, eight minutes might be what you need,” Conrad says.
“But if you ask someone for that time and it is hard to get or if you don't hear from them for 2 months afterward, I am not sure that it will help that much.”
That person who is seeking comfort may feel that what they received was insufficient.
“It would feel awful to be feeling so alone, confess that to someone you felt close to, only to feel forgotten by them afterward,” Conrad says.
The length and commitment level of the relationship are important factors with the eight-minute finding.
“I can't say for certain, but I think the effect would diminish with the weaker the relationship is with the person,” Conrad says.
“For couples, for instance, some therapists recommend sharing a six-second kiss every day to build connection and intimacy. The six-second kiss is a great way to get you to stop and appreciate what is really important in your life, to slow down and value and prioritize your partner. But, again, that works because it sits atop the shoulders of much more time spent together.”
It can be helpful to do as Sinek and his friend did and encourage one another to ask for that desired time, attention and support and find a way to be willing to make time for and give it, when your friend is in emotional, psychological need.
“In many areas where we really shouldn't, we rely on conversational implicature,” Conrad says. “If you're on a first date, it is fine to say ‘It would be awesome if you could pass the guacamole’ or ‘Would you like to come upstairs for coffee?’ instead of demanding your date pass the dip or crudely propositioning someone for sex.
“But we lean on implication too much.
“It is important that in certain areas of life, we get used to asking for what we need and this is a perfect example of that.”
Being more assertive is personal development to help us create clarity for other people to get more of our needs met.
"‘Hey - Do you have a second? I'm having a rough day’ or ‘Can we get together later? I'm struggling’ are perfect ways to communicate to a friend that you are in need,” Conrad recommends.
Friends can be and maybe should be more observant and proactive.
“You don't have to wait until someone asks for your help,” Conrad advises.
“It is important to take your head out of your phone or computer every now and then to see how the people around you are doing.”
He dives deeper.
“People feel shy about telling their friends how much they mean to them, or telling loved one's that they are loved, but it helps. And if you know someone is going through something — even if they are not showing signs of being unhappy — you don't have to wait to ask them how they're doing.”
He illuminates what else is not being noticed and not being discussed.
“As a rule, if you see someone struggling with one thing — applying for jobs, going through a divorce, struggling at school — there is another thing as well.”
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