Getting More 'Wants' Met
Learning about nonviolent communication as a skillful, helpful approach
Difficult or anxiety-filled interactions are a tough assignment for most people.
Sometimes that leads to short-sighted and problematic aggression. That doesn’t have the to be the impulsive, default reaction or calculated chess move. There is something better, says one expert.
“I believe a highly-effective approach for responsible and confident communication in any situation,” says Avigail “Abby” Lev, founder and director at Bay Area CBT Center and a licensed clinical psychologist, “is through the use of nonviolent communication (NVC).”
She specifically describes what that type of communication is and what it is intended to accomplish, saying, “NVC is a powerful tool as it equips individuals with a language and framework to express their needs in a manner that fosters win-win outcomes.”
Nonviolent communication, Lev explains, “promotes responsibility by helping individuals understand what they have control over and what they do not. It recognizes that we are not responsible for other people's thoughts, feelings and behaviors; we merely serve as a stimulus for their reactions.”
That’s important and can be emotionally, psychologically freeing and therefore helpful because, “By acknowledging this,” Lev asserts, “NVC empowers us to focus on what we can control.
“Additionally, NVC provides a structure for making specific requests that address our underlying needs, leading to increased flexibility and a greater chance of having those needs met.”
She provides an illustration for how this can work in practice.
“For instance, let's consider someone who yearns for affection,” Lev begins. “Instead of fixating on a particular method of fulfilling that need, they can explore various options, such as asking for a hug, a kiss, a back rub, engaging in a thumb wrestle or receiving a foot rub. By remaining open and adaptable in their requests, they enhance the likelihood of fulfilling their underlying need for affection.”
The method is more likely to be successful for people who practice, improve and implement it regularly, as a habit, because it “encourages individuals to be flexible with their wants while being steadfast in recognizing and communicating their needs,” Lev says. “Consequently, people become more capable of fulfilling their underlying needs.”
Summarizing the benefits, she says that nonviolent communication “improves interpersonal communication, facilitates win-win scenarios and deepens self-understanding.”
That results in helping us “connect better with ourselves and others, fostering empathy, authenticity and personal growth,” Lev says, adding, that “It enables us to feel confident in any situation because it provides a structure and format for effective communication,” and for most people, “keeps us aligned with our values.”
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