'Do You Actually WANT to Resolve the Conflict?'

And 2) Know your purpose AND audience and 3) "Why should I be the one to change?"

Lesley Worthington is going to ask you pointed questions about what disputes and hardened conflicts ail you in the workplace yet the purpose thankfully is not to embarrass or shame. It’s to get you to consider the catalysts that will positively impact your situation and remedy the current and future struggle.

Recently, I came across her article, Conflict Resolution - The Basics, How to find solutions without straining relationships or stalling projects, in her smart Substack newsletter, The Quality Network, Improve your Quality Culture by improving your clarity, communication, and relationships.

This piece today will start by introducing three attention-getting points and then learn what Worthington has to specifically say about the questions presented to her by Communication Intelligence, the Newsletter.

Lesley Worthington of Lesley Worthington Consulting

“Do you actually WANT to resolve the conflict?” Worthington directly asks the reader in her article linked above. “Ask yourself — honestly — if you really are willing to do what’s needed to resolve the conflict.”

She is not talking down to someone or trying to disassociate from the stress they feel. There is a legitimate reason, from experience, for Worthington to ask those questions.

“Maybe there’s such bad blood between you that ‘being right’ is the only thing that matters,” she writes about what is plausible. “Or ‘getting your way’ is more important than resolving the conflict.”

That’s reasonable, is it not? Sometimes that is — or feels like — the reality and truth.

“Is your desire to see the other person suffer bigger than your desire to get the results that will help you and your organization?” Worthington continues. “The reality is, if you’re willing to resolve a conflict, then you’ll most likely have to do something differently or give something up. Are you prepared to do that?”

That is rarely likely to be well-received by someone hearing or reading it as our minds are not naturally going to be aligned with this sort of evolved, helpful thinking.

Learning to soothe ourselves to the degree where we can think more clearly and recognize the “big picture” so we ask ourselves these questions of Worthington’s to increase the probability we will respond wisely and beneficially is going to take work.

“It really is a matter of thinking ahead,” she tells Communication Intelligence, the Newsletter. “We don’t ever want to go into any conversation without having thought about what we want to achieve in it. So, if we pause and think, ‘What do I really want to achieve here?’ with any luck that pause will be enough to properly think this through.”

Thinking it through may not be desirable and what our emotional selves, time restraints (real or perceived), impatience and stress may want to do, yet it’s important.

“We have to set our egos down at work or we won’t always be working with the organization’s best interest at heart,” Worthington states.

She dives deeper.

“As a leader, you can make sure you’re walking the talk and living the values of your organization so that that mindset trickles down through the ranks and this big picture, ‘we are a team all working toward the same shared vision’ idea becomes a natural part of everyone’s thinking. When we think like this, it’s hard not to want to resolve conflicts.”

In the pursuit of problem solving for improved teamwork, ”It’s also important to know what sort of decision-maker this person is and what sort of thinker,” Worthington teaches. “And even what sort of communicator… You’ve got to know the person, know what they want, know their ways and know their world.”

How many of us stop, think this deeply and widely and accurately conclude what might prove helpful to working through disagreement, disinterest or resistance?

“Know your purpose and know your audience,” Worthington asserts. “If you don’t have clarity on those two things, it’s virtually impossible to communicate well.”

She speaks to how to approach this easier.

“It’s a matter of asking yourself, in every bit of communication, whether verbal or in writing, ‘Who am I talking to?’ and ‘What am I trying to do?’ That’s it,” Worthington says.

Knowing what to do and then doing it becomes the mountain and obstacle.

“It’s so simple, but it’s so difficult to do for many people. It requires empathy and emotional intelligence and if you’re used to going around without thinking of others, then it definitely requires some effort and practice,” she adds.

There is a misperception that Worthington next discusses.

“We tend to think work is all about getting things done. But work is really all about relationships,” she says. “It is through good relationships that we most easily get things done.”

This makes obvious sense even if the focus in the workplace doesn’t reveal this understanding.

“If you take the time to build good relationships at work, it’s a lot easier to naturally be thinking of other people and their perspective and their traits and characteristics because you actually ‘know’ the people you work with,” Worthington explains. “I can’t emphasize enough the importance of relationship building for your career.”

Worthington writes that communication styles and a willingness to do what the situation needs are not optional if you want to skillfully drive objectives.

“Remember that the goal is to get the conflict resolved. Are you prepared to do what’s required to make that happen?” her article clearly asks.

“All too often, clients say to me, ‘Why should I be the one to change? Why do we have to do things their way?'

And I say, 'You don’t. Do what you want. But what’s your goal? Is it to resolve the conflict or is it to keep operating in a way that feels most comfortable to you?' Maybe it’s time for some adulting here."

Powerful, hard-hitting questions, as unwelcomed as they likely are to ever hear face-to-face or see in writing, I suspect.

Developing the maturity that Worthington suggests to learn — and personally and professional develop — and respond maturely, moving through intense discomfort, maybe the painful path, won’t be without struggle for most of us.

Worthington does want to make something clear however.

“I’m not suggesting you ask these questions of the other person when you’re stuck in a conflict,” she says. “Given how extraordinarily sensitive people have become these days, questions like this may cause more harm than good.

“If you have a strong relationship built on trust, then you might be able to get away with it, but even then it’s a bit risky.

“I ask these questions as a coach because the idea behind coaching is to help people discover their blind spots or think about things differently and there is trust and vulnerability and honesty.”

When that strong relationship built on trust isn’t present, she knows the reality.

“Where there’s no relationship, not enough trust and no vulnerability these questions would be difficult to ask and hear and I wouldn’t suggest it,” Worthington advises.

“What I am suggesting though is that we ask ourselves these questions when we’re trying to resolve a conflict. These are questions we need to ask ourselves, not the other person:

“‘Am I being stubborn because I want to be right?’ or ‘Why do I need this decision to go my way right now?’ or ‘What’s going on here?’ or ‘If I’m honest with myself, what do I really need here?’”

There is a clear reason she stresses this and recommends it.

“If we’re not asking ourselves what we’re doing and why, as we go about our day, we’re only half awake,” Worthington says.

“When we wake up and pay attention to what we’re doing, why we’re doing it and who we’re dealing with, we have much more success in everything we do. 

“We have to have to pay attention and then have intention.” 

Thank you for reading this issue.

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