Communicating Better With People Who Are Passive-Aggressive
It can be done, leaving you feeling more empowered and strong
Being on the sharp end of passive aggressiveness is awkward or puzzling and uncomfortable at best and painful, offensive or dangerous at worst. Knowing how to respond effectively can be confusing because of the emotions involved and uncertainty about the communication (words or behavior) coming from others.
This dysfunctional behavior can be defined as a way someone or some people (yes, groups do it too) express “negative feelings, such as anger or annoyance, indirectly instead of directly,” says Psychology Today.
“Passive-aggressive people act passive but express aggression covertly… You may be experiencing abuse, but not realize it, because their strategy of expressing hostility is covert and manipulative, leading to conflict…” writes Darlene Lancer at PsychCentral.
This Communication Intelligence, the Newsletter subscriber article will provide what I hope will be useful insights and recommendations that you can consider putting into practice or share with others for assistance in response to people who are practice passive-aggressive behavior, usually without regret, towards you.
“If you’re a victim of passive-aggression, there are a few basic coping strategies. For starters, remember that you’re not nuts. If you see a pattern it’s probably real,” writes Jeffrey Kluger at Time magazine.
Sources that will be presented in this help article are the Science of People (article excerpts from Mike Mantell) and the Crisis and Trauma Resource Institute (article excerpts from Jody Lambert).
It’s important to remember, CTRI and Lambert say, that “Like most personality traits, passive-aggressiveness occurs along a continuum from mild to severe characteristics. While we may be passive-aggressive from time to time, there are those who are more likely to engage in this behavior on a regular basis.”
It’s important therefore, I contend, not to assume that a person who is passive aggressive is always conducting themselves in that manner and judge them poorly when they might in fact be acting in a more socially acceptable way. However, this also means that there are people whose default setting, per se, is passive aggressive, because they have severe habitual “viruses” in their behavior.
Let’s go a tad deeper into what the behavior is because it’s valuable to know.
“Passive-aggressiveness is when someone denies experiencing negative feelings (typically anger or hurt) but then covertly acts these feelings out,” according to the Science of People. “Often our unprocessed emotions will color our interactions with that person and cause us to act passive-aggressively, even if we’re not trying to.”
“Not trying,” it’s important to know is still acting wrongly.
SOP offers a deep, expansive game plan for you to protect yourself and this article will touch on most of it, adding analysis.
Someone I was friends with years ago once advised me in an extended conflict to “Don’t take the bait.” It was excellent counsel, yet extremely challenging to do. Sometimes I succeeded, often I failed due to the impact on other people it affected.
“When someone acts passive-aggressively, on some level, they want you to react. To get upset or defensive,” says the Science of People. “If you respond in this way, it will only exacerbate the situation. The best thing you can do is let the snark slide off you.”
If you can follow this advisory, in time, you are likely to positively affect the frequency of the passive aggressiveness. It will take practice and managing your own expectations.
You will be tempted to, or you will definitely expose the immature, dysfunctional behavior when it’s being used on you. You might say, “I didn’t appreciate that comment,” as the Science of People recommends.
I would caution against using it however, with all due respect to SOP, because that’s going to show the perpetrator that they are getting to you and they are already a flammable, reactionary person or organization and they are going to double down on you.
What I do agree with is the recommendation, as frustrating as it is, to “don’t even address their toxic delivery,“ if you ask them politely and curiously about their feelings because “They may just want to feel heard, and it might be better to feed their constructive behavior instead of their passive-aggressive behavior.”
Something that the Science of People recommends that really got my mind working, thinking how it might sound in practice and potentially work is the following: Talk to them, using the power of vulnerability.
So what does that mean? It’s simple, to the point. Pick a time to talk to them after the event. Once you’re in conversation, use this formula: “When X, I felt Y. I need Z,” SOP recommends, going on to provide an example.
“When you made that joke, I felt hurt and insecure. I need to know that you support me, and if you are angry, you’ll tell me.”
That’s direct and respectful. It’s assertive, not aggressive, if your tone, facial expressions and body language are neutral or positive.
It is vital to remember, SOP advises, to “Make sure you do not accuse them of being passive-aggressive because doing so could put them on the defense and have them dig their heels further into the ground.”
If you forget, it will be a hard lesson.
There is communication that is defined as “open” and SOP recommends it to get to the root of someone’s passive aggressiveness towards you or others. The reason a friend or partner might be more distant and you’re acting respectfully is that “they may be sitting on a resentment that they’ve been too afraid to share.”
Uh oh. SOP’s suggestion? Open communication.
“Hey, friend! I’ve noticed I’ve been feeling a little distant from you recently, and I’d like to feel closer. I was wondering if something I did or said recently caused you to feel hurt, upset, or angry with me?”
Don’t respond defensively, recommends SOP. “Just try to hear what they are saying with empathy,” it says. Go further, they say. “Appreciate them when they do communicate openly,” SOP says. “One of the laws of connection is that what you appreciate grows. The next time a passive-aggressive person in your life does express their anger or hurt in a clear, direct, and open way, tell them you appreciate how they shared it with you. This will encourage them to communicate this way more often.”
While the odds might agree with that assertion I would personally caution you to keep your expectations low because passive-aggressive behavior as a tactic is an “addiction” that is difficult to overcome. It’s an ingrained response for some people.
Compliments are polite and should help, can help, yet with some people, they are moment-to-moment transactional and if you compliment them today, they might be mature for a little while but apt to resort to old, problematic behavior as a form of manipulation that has long worked for them.
Boundaries and limits are often recommended responses to passive aggressiveness. I’ve used them to middling success. Helpful yet not reliable is my experience. Yet, “If open communication doesn’t work, you can still draw a line,” SOP says. “If someone in your life seems to act passive-aggressively towards you in a way that hurts, ask them to stop.”:
The example it provides is the following:
“I know you said you don’t have any mean intent behind your jokes, but I notice every time you crack a joke about my creativity, I feel insecure. I’m okay with certain types of jokes, but I wonder if you’d be okay not to joke about that part of my life?”
SOP says that most decent people, when presented a respectful request such as that one, “will comply.” I hope it works for you!
CTRI offers a few recommendations that caught my eye that I will share with you.
Don’t try to change the other person. That ain’t happening! You only control you or at least that should be who you are as a person. CTRI says to avoid the “blame game”
Next, consistency in providing assertive (not dysfunctional) responses is going to go a long ways towards determining the progress you make with unpalatable passive-aggressive behavior directed towards you.
Finally, “Disengage with respect.” I’d add, if possible. Try hard. Hold yourself accountable. It won’t be easy.
“The best thing you can do is take steps to limit or reduce your time with the individual (or group),” CTRI says. “Your mental health is important, so seek out connections that give back what you put in and can thrive on direct, clear communication – they’re out there.”
In the small likelihood someone who is acting passive aggressive as a habit is reading this piece, there is something to think about.
“And what if you’re the passive aggressor?” Kluger rhetorically asks.
“Well, the knock-it-off suggestion is a good place to start. That’s not always easy, and it can take work and even the help of a good therapist to determine why directness is so hard for you,” he says.
“It’s a lot better than indirectness, however—and it’s a whole lot less work.”
Remember that being non-confrontational is helpful and admirable to a degree but when we go with flow against our better judgment, we enable perpetrators of passive aggressiveness and encourage more of it.