Bosses Giving Apologies: Frequency, Importance and Success
It's not surprising. It is a problem. How it can be improved and the benefits of more common and successful, expressed remorse.
“An apology can be a crucial opportunity to spark positive change and build trust,” wrote Ashton Jackson at CNBC.com. “That's especially true for bosses and leaders, who sometimes have to make public statements acknowledging missteps or give internal apologies to their employees.”
Offering statements of regret or remorse are difficult however. For different reasons, they don’t get made as often as particular situations call for them.
So if making them is an opportunity and catalyst for positive change and trust building, as Jackson communicated, then not making them would seem to be a decision that block those two benefits.
"When a leader apologizes,” Lorraine Lee, a communication consultant and keynote speaker, told CNBC Make It, “they need to take full responsibility by showing they understand what went wrong,” while additionally showing, “that they have a clear path forward to fix what happened and ensure it doesn't happen again.”
Timing is a valuable skill to learn, build and judiciously implement.
"If you wait too long to respond, you will look like you don't care or aren't being proactive,” Lee told Jackson. “If you speak too quickly without a plan in place, you can misspeak or lose some credibility.
"The best approach is to acknowledge the situation early and let people know you're aware and taking it seriously — and then follow up soon after with a thoughtful response and a plan of action."
A sensitive topic is whether bosses are apologizing when necessary and when they are, if it’s being done well. It’s not a simple, black-and-white, straightforward answer.
“The honest answer is no, most bosses are not apologizing nearly enough when situations call for it,” says Kimberly Best, who specializes in dispute resolution and is the founder at Best Conflict Solutions, LLC.
“In all fairness to bosses, most people don’t either.”
There’s a clear reason for this disappointing reality.
“In my experience working with organizations on conflict management, I consistently see leaders who operate from a position of defensive authority rather than authentic accountability” Best explains.
“They often mistake apologizing for weakness, when it demonstrates strength and emotional intelligence. Many leaders have been conditioned to believe that admitting fault undermines their credibility, but the opposite is true.”
When situational and relationship repairs are not made, there is an unwanted byproduct: it opens the doors to what leaders and employees don’t really want.
“When leaders consistently avoid taking responsibility for their mistakes or the impact of their decisions, they create a culture where accountability and transparency disappear, (becoming) foreign in the organization,” Best asserts.
Social and Psychological Complexity is Involved
“There’s a catch here though: culturally we’ve made it hard for people to be wrong without calling them out and shaming them (in most situations),” Best says.
That development indicates that there is a strong call for a countermeasure.
“We have to make space for our humanity,” Best says. “We need to stop celebrating right and wrong and recognize that life is an experiment. Sometimes, we’ll get it all right and sometimes it’s a big miss. It’s part of being human.”
More frequent apologizing for the benefit of operating at a higher standard, increased trust, a stronger workplace culture and relationship quality, makes logical sense.
“The importance cannot be overstated,” Best says. “Leaders set the tone for how people treat one another throughout the entire organization.”
Best explains how that, in theory or reality, moves through the workforce.
“When bosses demonstrate honesty, humility and authenticity through genuine apologies, they shape the perception of who they are as leaders. These perceptions directly impact their credibility. Credibility builds trust and trust creates influence.”
Titles Don’t Command Unconditional Followership
People, Best says, “follow leaders they trust and trust is earned through consistent demonstration of character, especially when things go wrong.”
She elaborates as to why:
“When leaders openly acknowledge that things go sideways sometimes, they build a culture where people know they can make mistakes without fear of devastating consequences,” Best says.
That’s vitally important.
“This psychological safety is where creativity and innovation flourish,” she adds. “Only when people know that mistakes will be acknowledged rather than punished can they take the calculated risks that lead to breakthrough thinking and solutions.”
Not all “apologies” are created equal, as anyone who has received an insufficient or poor one can attest.
"The best apologies are when you sound human and show genuine emotion without making it about yourself," Lee says. “Vulnerability is completely okay to show."
This can be difficult, for various reasons, for bosses. Learning to become more comfortable apologizing, sounding human, being genuine, not making it about ourselves and having apologies land successfully may seem like a complex puzzle or worse, impossible.
A small shift can make a big, beneficial difference.
“When you shift from thinking ‘I'm over these people’ to ‘I'm responsible for creating the conditions where these people and the organization can thrive,’ apologizing can become a leadership tool rather than a threat to your authority,” Best details.
This Should Make Sense
“Leaders must understand that their primary job is to model the behavior they want to see throughout the organization,” Best says. “If you want a culture of accountability, you must be accountable. If you want people to handle conflict constructively, you must handle your own mistakes constructively.”
Mistakenly Focusing on the Wrong Costs
“Being wrong and admitting it, doesn't cost us nearly as much as being wrong and hiding it,” Best asserts.
“The more leaders practice genuine accountability, the more they realize that admitting mistakes actually enhances rather than diminishes their credibility.”
A Surprising, Palatable Reframing
“It's important to understand that an apology doesn't always mean you were wrong,” Best suggests to consider. “It means you care enough about the other person to acknowledge that your decisions, words or actions had painful consequences for them.”
That is knowledge and an understanding that requires more sophisticated thinking.
“This distinction is critical for leaders who often make difficult decisions that negatively impact people, even when those decisions are necessary and correct,” Best points out.
“You can apologize for the pain your decision caused someone without apologizing for making the decision itself,” she suggests.
Increasing the Probability that Your Apology Lands Well
“There is definitely an art to an apology, and there's such a thing as an apology that makes things worse. We've all seen it,” Best says.
“My personal trigger is ‘I'm sorry you feel that way,’” she says to provide an example. “‘Please don't ever apologize for my feelings!’ That's not an apology. That's deflection disguised as accountability.”
There is a hard bottom line, that isn’t pleasant to be taught.
“Leaders need to learn how to deliver genuine apologies that actually repair relationships rather than inflict additional harm,” Best advises.
She briefly describes what that respected regret or remorse entails.
“A true apology acknowledges the specific harm caused, takes full responsibility without excuses, expresses genuine remorse and offers to make things right.”
This is in contrast to what happens too often:
“It doesn't use the word ‘but,’ doesn't focus on the other person's response and doesn't ask anything of the hurt party, not even forgiveness,” Best insists.
“Most importantly, it includes an offer of reparation that fits the situation and a commitment to changed behavior.”
Advertising available for any section of the newsletter: To advertise, link to your business, sponsor an article or section of the newsletter or discuss your affiliate marketing program, contact CI.
Communication Intelligence Services
Communication Intelligence is more than an interview-and-insights-driven newsletter.
It’s special writing, consulting and advisory services for professionals and business.
