Understanding Grief and Enduring It
How we can be helpful to others enduring grief, how we can communicate with ourselves if we're the ones grieving and what we don't think about
Grief commands attention. It affects people, including ourselves, powerfully. Knowing how to help others and us survive it can be confusing. People respond to it differently, making situations even more complex. Yet answers exist.
When the goal or hope is to offer kindness and assistance to lessen suffering, maybe certain approaches are better.
“Being fully present in the moment and actively listening to what grieving people are sharing with us is incredibly important,” says Elreacy Dock, a death educator, health consultant in the behavioral health field and an adjunct professor of a masters and doctoral-level program of thanatology that she developed for Capstone University.
“When we know that other people are in distress, we often want to provide a solution or advice that will alleviate their psychological and emotional pain. Realistically, we know that this isn't possible when someone is grieving; there is nothing we can say or do to ease the pain of losing their loved one.”
When that happens, instead of doing what people naturally do or deciding instead to do nothing, Dock offers a suggestion.
“Instead of searching for the right words to say or the appropriate condolences, sometimes the most helpful action to take is to simply listen and create a safe space for people to grieve in a non-judgmental environment,” she offers.
This makes more sense than the norm.
“When we make statements that don't appropriately acknowledge or recognize someone else's grief, it can result in disenfranchisement,” Dock stresses. “This can prompt unhealthy coping mechanisms and further exacerbate intense emotions since bereaved individuals may feel as if they are not allowed to openly express their grief or process the loss.”
When we are the ones enduring the grief, some self-talk is going to be more painful and some can act as a catalyst for moving towards some level of healing.
“‘I should be over this by now’ or ‘I can't handle this’ are two examples of self-talk that can be particularly damaging,” Dock says, going on to explain, “There isn't a specific timeline for experiencing grief and everyone's journey looks different. Loss is a deeply personal and painful experience but human beings also have remarkable resilience when it comes to grief because of our ability to adapt and grow.
“The self-talk that encourages healing focuses on being patient with ourselves and gradually working towards acceptance of the loss: ‘I will take one step at a time and allow myself to heal gradually’ or ‘I am stronger than I realize, even if I feel sad right now.’”
What isn’t top of mind about the experience is valuable to remember.
“When people think about grief, they often directly connect it with losses resulting from death. However, people also grieve non-death losses and often experience disenfranchised grief when other people do not acknowledge or realize the significance of those losses,” Dock points out.
She continues, about what we might not think about when it comes to these losses.
“Some examples can be a loss of health or mobility, loss of independence, loss of culture, loss of identity, etc.,” Dock says. “If we fully understood how these losses continue to build, as well as the psychological and emotional toll that they can have on other people, we would be more mindful of reframing our communication and actions more compassionately.”
Source: Elreacy Dock, an adjunct professor of thanatology at Capstone University, with expertise in matters pertaining to death, bereavement, end of life care and medical aid in dying. Her background includes mental health and behavioral health.
Publisher’s Note: The topic of grief was also covered with different sources at Communication Intelligence Magazine: Understanding Grief and Communication.
The Communication Intelligence newsletter is a new publication produced by the publisher of Communication Intelligence magazine. Subscribe for free or decide on a paid subscription for “extras,” whichever works best for you.
If you’d like to advertise in the Communication Intelligence newsletter, you can reach out to Comm.Intel.Newsletter@gmail.com and ask questions or express what service, services or products you’d like people to see in this publication.